Everyday when my husband walks in the door from work, he asks me "How was your day"? All I hear is……please fill me in on your "mood" for the day so I can prepare myself for the appropriate responses. Poor, sweet man. I really do love that he cares enough to want to know where my head is at, but at the same time, I hate feeling pittied. He doesn't understand depression and yet he keeps trying. Most of the time I try to hide my dark days from him, for his benefit and because I can't stand the sound of my voice when I am complaining about how I am sad again, for the thousandth time. Plus I hate that question. How are you? everyone always says "fine". I always want to say…..well actually I am feeling shitty and hopeless….and you?

He will never know how many times I have planned out my own death. Most of my plans are very selfless I must say. My driving off a bridge plan always involes our old car, so he and the kids will still have the nice one. Or my plan to dig a ditch deep in the woods, lay in it with a big pill meal. Or my train idea, I could jump in front of it as it goes by. He will never know these ideas that run through my head, because it would scare him too much I think.

No one knows I think these things, I guess that's why depression is lonely. You can't tell people without them trying to fix you or treat you like your crazy. If I am going to go, it's better to be a shock than to drag people through the ringer of being scared and worried all the time for you.

Anyway, I guess my point is, even if you have people that love you and you love all around you, it doesn't mean you still can't be lonely. Depression is a lonely dark place, I want the least amount of people as possible to climb in this mess with me.

2 Comments
  1. Linus 10 years ago

     wow, that's extremely well described, from the dark place of being hopeless to how much it shows that you care about your family. Honestly you don't seem crazy at all. you have a lot of insight, i'm just sorry it's so hard, y'know. I think it's good that you haven't given in to one of your plans.

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  2. lonelyinthedark 10 years ago

     

    I hate the question "how are you?". I want to respond with something similar to you.

    I have many thought of ending life. I feel like I’m just a burden to people. I think everybodys lives would easier without me around. I have different plans than you, but I understand. I would not share my plans with anyone. I took a whole bottle of pills once. People said I was just trying to get attention, that I was selfish, etc. Then about 5 years later my daughter asked me if I did it because of her. That was life changing. I can never forgive myself for making her feel that way and holding onto it for years.

    I rarely have people around me, but even when I did I felt lonely. I understand how you feel.

    I used to try to explain depression to people by telling them "It’s like being in a room full of people and feeling completely alone".

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