More recently I have been doing a lot better than I have been for years. I have spent the last year really putting a lot of work into recovering from my addiction and mental health problems. I go to therapy and groups every week, and have been steadily for over a year now. I have been in counseling and therapy on and offsince I was 16 though I never seemed to reach a point of real level headedness that would last and ultimately allow me to resume a normal life and become a productive member of society. I feel like at certain points maybe I was close and "on my way" but just as I would start to feel I had a grip on it all, something always seemed to interrupt it all and I would get thrown off course. Then came another descent into madness (which could last any length of time) and after some more self destructive damage and suffering comes yet another process of recooperating and recovery. Where I am right now, mentally and physically, I did not think I would get this far. I have surpassed my own expectations. I still have a lot of goals and things I want to do, and for once in my life I am able to experience happiness. I'm talking about what normal everyday people take for granted. I envy those people. I had to spend my whole life even as a child, being depressed. Living everyday feeling down, sad, or just plain emotionless. What a horrible way to live -"A Living nightmare." I did not truly comprehend the extent of this until this past year when I was introduced to wellbutrin andsomething just kind of clicked inside my head. I had been on many different anti depressents before but had very bad reactions to them and couldn't stay on any of them. Nothing ever worked for me. I'm so grateful that I finally found something that did what it was supposed to do! Of course medication is not magic, and it doesn't fix everything on it's own, but it can make a world of difference. Like I said, I am in counseling and group therapy every week and I take it all very seriously and actively participate. I also educate myself on as much information as I can that is related tomental illness.
But, every now and then I get these days or sometimes weeks, where I have a depression "relapse" episode. 🙁 which is what I am experiencing right now, and have all week. I hate it, and I just want it to be over. Where most people would pray, I talk to my deceased parents and best friend who passed away instead, andI have been begging them from above to help take it away, just take it away please. I've lost my motivation to do anything, feel emotionless, and want the day to be over with by noon everyday, hoping the day passes quickly so I can just go to sleep and dont have to feel this anymore. I'm hoping that one of these days soon I will wake up and start feeling better again. I think I'm having a "major low" chemical imbalance because pms is kicking in. I hope thats all it is anyway. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY. I WANT TO SMILE AGAIN :'(