…especially when it’s the unconditional kind where I just want her to be happy, even if it means my own self destruction.

Caution-back story: I am very late to the game. I am a 30 year old woman who has had feelings for women quite a lot over the past 8 years but only in the past 2 have I chose to acknowledge and out myself to those around me. I usually identify as pansexual because it’s always the personality that gets me. I’ve noticed that I never fall as deeply for men as I do women. I don’t necessarily enjoy sex with men. And I have no way of knowing if I enjoy sex with women because I’ve never so much as kissed or dated a woman. I fell for a best friend, let’s call her Jane and that was silent torture for five years. I finally told her how I feel a few years ago and she understood but she is straight af so I cried and got over it.

Now, there’s another woman, she will be known as Diana. I pine for her. Never felt this way for anyone. Not like this. I’m writing my next novel about her which is psychotic, I know. But she has been told her 39 years on earth she isn’t good enough and even if this whole thing doesn’t end well, I want her to know someone loved her enough to write a book for her because she’s amazing.  She’s my mentor and the only bright light I have at a job I hate. I have depression and anxiety and it’s a problem especially without meds. My personality is very mellow and Eeyore-like. While Diana is Tigger-bouncing around and peppy! Smiling and enjoying life and having fun over the most mundane shit. After getting to know her over the past six months, she has the same mental illness I do and an even more messed up story of familial dysfunction. Yet, she smiles and her smile takes my breath away. I’ve always been the sad clown type. I love to make people laugh and that’s all I do for her. We’ve grown close and told each other secrets and helped each other. I’m trying to get out of this job asap and away from the pull she has over me because all I sense is another Jane situation. Fall for a straight girl again and I don’t want to waste another five years-even if it is for the one person I could envision myself settling down with.

I started dating a guy-Joe and it’s just the beginning but he’s very sweet and I don’t want to waste his time but all I see and feel for is Diana all the time. No matter how hard I try and forget. I kiss him and nothing. I’ve always felt nothing when I kiss men. So I’m sitting here freaking out because I already went through one identity crisis finding out I’m bisexual but as I ponder the past, I wonder just how far does my love for women go? Am I 60% gay or 80% or 90%?!! I know it’s strange to try and quantify this. But I feel awful all the time and maybe it’s a combination of everything but mostly it’s because I spend so much time in my life these days trying to get someone to love me and what the hell is wrong with me that I continue to pick people who are out of reach and push away people who reach out to me?!?

Is this a side effect of finally accepting my place in the lgbtq community that other people feel?

I’m confused and sad all the time and it doesn’t help that my favorite person on earth brings me so much joy and so much pain.