My wrist is now in a splint after i slammed books on it for 40mins. 

Its swollen and massive and bruised and i burst blood vessels in it. I don’t know if this is worse than the time I sewed a button onto my arm.

The guy at the walk in centre was really nice, he didn’t ask too many questions, he asked if I was seing anyone about these kind of things and I said yes, and he seemed to accept it. I asked him if it was a really stupid thing to do and he told me, no, it’s something you felt like doing, that doesn’t make it wrong. Its just your way of coping. He is still going to grass me up to my CPN and Doctors.

Strange thing is, I really enjoyed slamming them hardback beasts onto my wrist, its not as messy as cutting, and it does scar, but i guess now i am babbling with bones and possible breaks, this can’t be good. 

I see the CPN on Tuesday, I saw her today. She text me after she finished working and said we could do a pregnancey test on Tuesday. I have never been so nervous, but I guess I will atleaset get answers.

Part of me wants to be purely so I can use the child as evidence and get the jerk sent down, the problem is, how do I find him? Who was he? Do i really want to see him again? I don’t want kids, let alone his.

I feel so incrediably messed up, like I am in a losing battle.

I also have to start my new job full time in 2 weeks. I don’t think I can do it. 

In addition, I now have no meds, I took my script to the pharmacy and they queried my script and said they would call my Psych to check what she meant, when I went back to the pharmacy, the pharmacist wasn’t in and the lady wouldn’t give me the script, despite knowing that I get the same thing every week and have done for a long time.  She told me to come back later and I said that it was stupid, she was stupid and i din’t give a shit, bin it.

I’m scared to go back.