I have changed a lot since I first joined DT. I would like to think that I am a lot less nuts than I used to be. Actually, I know I am less nuts than I used to be. Unfortunately, I am still crazier than the average bear.

I woke up in pain this morning. The physical side of this transition seems to be easing up some. I still wake up feeling like garbage, and my stomach still rages. At night, I still get random aches and pains in my legs that make it hard to sleep. That may not sound like improvement, but it is better than it's been. It's just going to take time for me to get to full blown normalcy, assuming such a thing is possible. The mental side of this is still pretty bad. My ability to think rationally, or thoroughly, about anything has been seriously compromised. My ability to feel anything other than sadness, frustration, and pain, is pretty well f@cked. I don't know how long that part will last.

I planned this for a year, because it was time to move on. I worked hard to get to a place where this change made sense, and I have no doubt that it was the right call. My body seems to disagree, but it will eventually fall in line.

Recent events are still breaking my heart. I don't know what to do about it. I can't even think straight.

Longstanding circumstances also suck. Have you ever known a situation was almost certainly f@cked, but felt powerless to change it? That's where I am, right now. I feel powerless, and adrift. I feel like I don't know how to change my life, and it makes me want to disappear. It makes me feel like that would be better for everyone.

It's been gray outside for days. The lack of color makes the world seem so much bleaker. Tomorrow, the sun is supposed to come out. I really need that, right now.