I miss my medication. I'm not depressed right now, but I can feel my nerves winding tight once more. I can feel that angry little creature waking up again, ready to snap over every little slight.

I opted out of taking meds throughout pregnancy, even though I dislike the person I am without them. I'm always angry on some sub-level. Always seething and uncomfortable…and angry that I'm uncomfortable. I just don't know what these meds could do to a baby, and I'm not willing to risk it.

My husband worries that I'll get depressed. I told him I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. I won't let myself get nutty before doing something about it.

I'm testy as hell right now, and I can't tell if that's because I'm just hormonal (AND HANGRY, DAMMIT!) or because I'm going back to being that surly grouch I was before the meds. Whatever it is, I want it to go away before the baby comes. I don't want to be uptight grouch-mom, always skulking about the house,looking for things and (little) people to take the brunt of my displaced anger. Angry one minute, emotionally absent the next.

I thought I was afraid of becoming my mother before…but, damn, I had no idea how scary that notion was was beforeI got pregnant. I want to be better than that. I want my kid to feel valued and encouraged. I want them to have fun and to trust me. All the things I didn't get from my mother.

I don't want him/her to spendENTIRE DAYSin tears because I leave them with a baby-sitter and they don't believeme when I tell them what time I'll return. What child needs that kind of anxiety? What kind of parent doesn't become alarmed when their child is suffering such extreme anxiety?

My mom was just so…vacant at times. And so full of rage other times. She discounted our feelings because we were just kids, but then she expected way too much from kids as well.

How do I learn to guide a small person? I guess, the same way I had to learn to guide myself.

1 Comment
  1. sasha1969 7 years ago

    Just wanted to say that a "Bad" mother- to be, wouldn't be concerned about these things.  Give yourself a break and be kind to you!  🙂

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