I have been in a cloud of depression for too long.  I cannot understand my constant frustration with the depression.  I long to be carefree and happy and relaxed.  Yet I am sad before my feet hit the floor in the morning.  My concentration level has hit rock bottom and my patience with myself is beyond thin.  I have the urge to scream and cry but nothing comes out.  

I spoke with my husband about my concerns regarding this deepening depression that I am unable to shake.  Usually I am able to dig myself out of the deep hole that depression creates within a few weeks.  This has been an exception to my normal depression.  My husband is as concerned about the crator in my soul as I am.  I am honestly considering day hospitalization that my therapist is recommending to keep me from having to stay on the psych ward for an entire week again.  I have never tried day hospitalization before.  I just have too much going on appointment wise with taking care of my children to take care of myself.  I just know something has got to give and I am so scared that it will be me in the end. 

I am not suicidal yet, but I have such a deep urge to hurt myself in other ways.  I was recently given a statistic my my psychologist that scared me about children of suicides.  They are fifty percent more likely to do the same then those of parents that do not take their own lives.  I just wish I could reach in and tear out the pain and anguish I feel so that the positive emotions could flow in and out of my body. 

I feel like I am lost inside a deep, dark maze with nothing but black surrounding me.  I pray to God for help and for guidence to bring good back into my soul.  Yet I feel selfish for asking due to I feel I am a lost cause.  Teach me how to get through this maze and find my way out of this terrible explosion inside me. 


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