Well,

This is my first time going online and actually saying outloud to whomever might read this in the "cyber world" I am not happy all the time. Wheh… that is a load off… well not really. I handle life with humor (at least the kind that makes me laugh) In any pressure situation – I try and lighten the mood with a funny or sarcastic light hearted comment. Now, I don't think that it is wrong to do that, however the growth within me over the past 2 years of downright frustration, worthlessness, and depression (the swings of emotion have finally started to be under control)… well I'll just say this – it has been a ride, and not one I want to go on again – or wish on my kids or those I love…

Since this is my first "outing of my depressed self" I am going to go by the old rule of don't give, show, or say too much right out of the gate. What I do know and will share is that because of my own battles inward I have successfully secluded myself from anyone who lives outside my home – this includes friends and family… I know I must get out and spend time with them and that it would be best for my own self preservation to do so, however I feel as if I am standing at a crossroads and if I don't choose the most perfect direction all will fail… I hate that last feeling and statement, deep down I know it is not true, however to get my brain to stop being so anxious for the other shoe to drop may just be easier said that done.

Enough sharing for now… I am in a calm place this evening and have committed to myself that I will wake up tomorrow in that same calm place within… wish me luck!