Um seems like i have a blog to post every morning. Today I woke up with a lot of anxiety almost a full blown panic attack, luckily i have klonopin which helps me with that for the most part. I did keep waking up in the middle of the night feeling shaky and nauseaous but i just went back to sleep. i woke about 2 or 3 times last night. I finally had to just get up this morning and stay up, I got up took some Klonopin and came back to sit down and all of a sudden I get all these pessimistic ideas in my head, i mean it's crazy cuz i was just feeling fine then all of a sudden all this just rushes in my head! i grab a rubber band and i pull it everytime i feel that way so that i can freakin get out of that cycle for a second. Also Im so tired of being here i think that if i stay in this town longer im gonna go crazy! I just need some freakin release, my friend invited me to Texas for the holidays which i thought was a fantastic idea since over there where he lives it's warm even around christmas and winter of course it's Texas, but then i start getting nervous, first of all because ive never been there, i have like anxiety with traveling on planes or with travel in general just sometimes but mostly on planes and i just constantly worry that im gonna go and have a full blown anxiety attack there with him and his family a thousand miles away from home! i try to be optimistic like saying just go relax get away for a while now that u have the opportunity, forget about your room and your hometown and all that for just a little while and you might just feel better. Thats what I really want to just shove all those positive ideas into my brain! Thats how i picture my life now as a big fuckin brain with hands that just keeps poking and poking at me trying to drive me crazy and make my life miserable! I see it as a living walking brain that's after me with a freakin gun trying to kill me. as for the trip thing im not sure what i really want to do i always get really panicky when i go on a trip but id also like to see my friend and go somewhere new, i mean ive been to Texas but not to his hometown it's very beautiful there and quiet and more relaxing than this place, yet i find myself worried and hesitant to go, i dnt know why i mean i believe i would enjoy it but my depression and anxiety has such a grip on me that even the good things seem sad and pointless, anyone else feel like this?

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