3-11-12

I've had a hard past couple of days with my anxiety and the tension and stress that it has created. I'm afraid that I'm walking on thin ice at this point and that any more stress or anxiety attacks are going to cause irreparable damage to to my body, specifically to my heart, or that I am going to have an aneurysm or something. This belief is damaging because it puts pressure on me to stay calm or otherwise try even harder to avoid anxiety, which will inevitably make it worse. Make the anxiety worse, that is. So pushing on the anxiety will only make it push back. I have no proof that I even am in fact on edge. It is a classic anxiety scenario – a stacking or snowball effect. Don't give it any power. It's hard to concentrate while typing this. I'm feeling like I need to reiterate these points to myself. That again is just the anxiety telling me to be sure. I already am sure and if for some reason I instantly forgot how to deal with anxiety, well I'm sure I would figure it out again. But the need to make sure of things is a strong basis of anxiety for me. Allow some uncertainty in. Also, when I write like this, I can write however I want without worrying about whether or not it makes sense either in words or concept later on.I should just write without worrying about whether or not it makes sense when I read it later. Still worrying about this making sense when I write thing. Like when I wrote "allow some certainty in," that was a statement for me and I can interject statements to myself whenever I want/whenever they come to me without worrying about grammatic structure or prose or whatever. I think that's what's bothering me – the way it will read later and if I will be able to understand it. I'm sure I will and if I don't, it's not the end of the world.

3-31-12

Anxiety and stress will cause bodily sensations like tweaks and twitches, probably more so anxiety. But these are nothing to be alarmed about. I think that even the most intense, severe anxiety has less damaging effects to the body than habits like drug abuse or poor lifestyle ( lack of exercise/eating wrong, etc.)

4-1-12

So, I had a pretty rough day again today (yesterday). Fuck, it's 12:03 am. I guess I don't have to be so technical, but yeah. Spent the majority of the day in bed worrying. Fast forward to right now. I'm afraid of "unexpected" I guess is the way to describe it, sensations in my chest. Just benign sensations as usual. But if one catches me especially off guard, I feel the need to "undo" it by ritualizing which pretty much means repeating an obsessive thought again in my head. I guess that leads to the process of this disorder. I will be ritualizing, and the anxiety from doing that will CAUSE the bodily sensations, which leads to more ritualizing – typically, as I said, by simply repeating whatever phrase I'm already repeating further, but with increased ferver. I think if I'm not repeating anything in particular and I have a sensation, I will repeat the last thought I had. I'm rarely not repeating things in my head – not ritualizing – so there is always material available to use for rituals that attempt to ward off a secondary obsession, ie; a bodily sensation. Okay, right now I'm worried about how I specified that not ritualizing was what I meant by rarely not repeating things in my head. I was afraid it would read like I was discluding ritualizing instead of referring to it. Then I thought that by adding a second hyphen it was making it too specific I guess? I don't know. It's no big deal. Now as I type and read this, I'm worried about how damn entangled in this shit I am. I don't need to worry if I'm being too specific, nor do I need to make sure to be specific. I also don't need to worry about how things read when I read them later – just write! And just now I spent some time checking to see if those last two points were saying the same thing or not. Of course, they're not. One deals with specificity and the other with readability, although they are both worries.Still kind of unsure if there is a difference – but there is, being worried about specificity and readability are two different things. I guess they can be similar in a way…here I go again in circles. I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish here with this thought process. I guess they are different because one concern is about being too specific and the other is about not being able to understand what I have written later on. I don't know why things like this are so difficult for me – I think I just need to take a break from overthinking things. I KNOW I do. Still caught up in this – about how there is a difference in worrying about my writing being too specific and not readable. That was an acceptable way to write that sentence. It was not necessary to write "there is a difference in worrying about my writing being too specific and worrying about my writing being not readable. Simplifying a sentence by not repeating sections of it (whatever those sections are called) is perfectly acceptable. Jesus! So much grammar worry. I need to try to care less about grammar!

I also seem to be overly concerned with germs I guess. If I pick my nose, for example, I have to make sure to wipe the shit out of my fingertips so that I don't get any NASTY BOOGS on my mouse or anything – as if that would kill me or anyone else. I don't want to just slap one on there to prove that it doesn't bother me, because that just seems silly. I mean, I know I could do it – I really don't care about germs and yet I'm still bothered by this obsession. Maybe it isn't really an obsession that much. Maybe it's just a preference and the obsession lies with assuming that I shouldn't be so clean about things. That seems to be accurate. A lot of my obsessions really tend to revolve around things I SHOULDN'T be doing. It's like trying to avoid certain behaviors is causing me more anxiety than what the behavior itself does. If something is causing me anxiety to do, a behavior that is, then obviously I do not have to do that behavior, but if worrying about the fact that I'm doing it causes even more anxiety – it's just a connundrum. I think I need to be more allowing and accepting of some of my habits. Maybe deal with the anxiety according to its intensity. First, let go of worrying about the worry, and then let go of the initial worry.

Worried about stupid heart attacks again today while working and throughout the day. I feel like I can't keep a straight train of thought. I was worrying earlier about whether or not I should keep the volume on the entertainment center up while I was playing my music. Was trying to figure out if I needed the volume for Mass Effect multiplayer.I think I ended up deciding that I did, in order to hear what enemy I was fighting or maybe to hear their positions. I ended up leaving the sound turned up. It was just that taking time to calculate whether or not to mess with the volume got me jumbled up in my head. I could use to not think about things too much.

5-7-12

Had a pretty shitty day. Woke up anxious after having anxiety while I was sleeping. It's just about nonsense stuff, really. Had a bad work day at first, was getting angry at Dad, or did on Saladino's anyway, because he was on the phone I guess? I try to keep anger over stupid stuff at bay. Maybe I should try loosely examining it, or just let it be there and inevitably disarm itself. The highlight which stick out to me right now is the chest sensation I had on I think it was Geraldine Swan's. Just another benign sensation. I think it only stuck with me because it happened when I was particularly stressed out and depressed. That still doesn't mean it was anything severe. I guess that's all I really have to say for now.

5-20-12

so i readjusted my bed after lifting it up to get out from underneath it, but i didn't move it that much when i lifted it, so i really didn't need to adjust it. But so what if I did? So what if it was obsessive of me? If questioning my habits is more worrisome than the habits themselves, then it is not really worth it. So I clicked save again after re-reading the last part of the previous sentence. Re-saving – making sure – I am worrying about the worry. Like I mentioned, stressing over my habits is what is bothering me right now, more than the habits themselves. It's difficult to determine if the habits are still based in anxiety or are simply residue from how I've lived my life so far. If I am particular about things, about getting things right, but it doesn't bother me, or if worrying about the habits bothers me more than the habits themselves, I think I should not worry about them.

5-25-12

Sometimes I need to get up out of bed and away from my dwelling. Just because I distract myself does not mean that I'm incapable of maintaing a calm mind in a quiet environment. In fact, that is exactly what I began to worry about and I surely would have realized that eventually without a distraction.

5-28-12

So I'm worried that all the little bodily sensations caused by anxiety will result in some serious condition over time, like something coronary related, or blood pressure – that type of thing. Also aneurysms. I'm also afraid that having an anxiety disorder will cause premature cognitive problems. First of all, there has been no evidence for any of these things happening over the course of my 24 year life. The possibility of it happening in the near or far future may exist, but is worrying about it helpful? Of course not. It's a risk I'm going to have to take, but with the knowledge that severe bodily conditions rarely arise from anxiety, even given the stressful nature of it. I mean yes, it does happen. But it is more common with an unhealthy lifestyle, which I am not leading.

Thought ritual synopsis:

1. Repeating a thought or phrase over and over again to relieve anxiety or maybe because it just sticks for some reason – even a thought which crosses my mind almost under the radar can create anxiety if I feel I must remember it.

Example: Today while mowing a lawn I decided which direction I had to mow. It took me awhile to decide since the lines in both directions were sharp. After extensive checking, uncomfortable checking, which I tried to resist but ended up doing anyway, {because I was unsure if resisting was the right thing to be doing – I could have taken the time to examine how checking made me feel and came to the conclusion that it was in fact compulsive} I determined that I was to go a north-to-south or from street to house direction. I believe it was due to the anxious state that I had aroused which led me to repeat the phrase "I'm going up and down (house to street) this time." Now that I reflect on it, I believe I began parroting this phrase in order to get rid of the question of whether or not it would be right or helpful to avoid checking. In any case, I found myself ritualizing via repeating this phrase. After several repetitions, I began changing the phrase a bit, being unnecessarily specific and redundant: "I, myself, am going up and down this time." It got further complicated, but I can't remember the details. It ended up that a new ritual, the need for redundancy replaced the purpose of the original, which was to erase a question from my mind. This tends to happen often when I ritualize, to the point where the ritual and obsession will change multiple times over a period of time. I will try to remember what I was originally worrying about and not be able to. This transitory or replacement phenomenon is very prominent in my anxious thought process, specifically the obsessive-compulsive process. One positive thing which I have noticed lately is that I have disregarded the need for repeating a thought or phrase a certain number of times. In any event, the ceaseless repetition and changing of the ritual led me to wonder how I could stop ritualizing altogether, which led me to a website with step-based help techniques, of which I am not too fond. One of them was to jot down all the aspects of a ritual:

your specific actions

specific thoughts you have

the order of the action

the number of repetitions needed, if any

the particular objects you use

how you stand or sit during the ritual

how you're feeling, and

any triggering thoughts or events.

So this writing is my attempt at doing just that. From here, I am encouraged to change some aspects of the ritual. "This process will be the beginning of bringing this seemingly involuntary behavior under your voluntary control – not by totally stopping the ritual but by consciously manipulating it."

6-3-12

So I got angry about knocking over dad's potted plant off the wooden peg it was precariously perched on when taking the mower around to the front of the house. I immediately became alarmed at the outburst of anger, feeling like I should calm down. I felt this way because I was unsure if I was overreacting and also because I was afraid of stressing myself out. Getting angry, even while extremely anxious, which I was at the time, will probably not cause me to have a heart-related problem. If anything it might relieve some stress. The point is, I don't think I should monitor my anger so much and hold it in because of a fear of heart attacks, blood pressure, aneurysm, etc.

6-11-12

So this morning I was getting ready for bed and was wiping my ass because it felt sweaty and nasty and I hit a hair mat as I was finishing wiping and so I got another handful of TP and wiped again to break through the mat, but felt like I was obsessive for doing so? Felt like it was a compulsion. I think that's accurate, it's hard to recall now since it was awhile ago and it's so trivial.

6-16-12

Woke up this morning with anxiety as usual. Felt some twitch or something in my chest. Was wondering if I cause the sensations myself by predicting them – or something. It may be the case. They are probably arbitrary or just happen at non specific times due to anxiety, but if I actually cause them in some way, I guess it wouldn't be so bad. They are still a product of anxiety, it's not like I can conjure them at will.

6-21-12

Worried about redundancy in the way I forumulate thought. Redundancy and grammar that is, In the sentence; "Continuing to repeat something I have already been repeating wll not undo a bothersome sensation," I was worried whether it was redundant to say "continuing to repeat something which I have already been repeating," as opposed to simply saying "continuing to repeat something." It isn't redundant so much as it is more thorough and complete. I don't have to be thorough and complete, nor do I need to simplify a sentence out of fear of it being redundant or overly-thorough. In the second half of the sentence, I was worried about which is a grammtically correct past tense specification, ie; "will not undo a bothersome sensation I had," or "will not undo a bothersome sensation I have had." I could probably look it up, but honestly, what's the point? I'm more than sick and tired of feeling like I have to be grammatically correct. Any conmbination of these sentences would work – to get the point across at least. I needn't be so hung up on details.

6-24-12

When I refer to a sensation as "bad" it doesn't mean that the sensation itself was bad, just that I think it indicates something bad. However, it is perfectly fine to refer to the sensation itself as bad: "I had a bad sensation." I still know what I mean without being specific. On the other hand, I can also choose to be specific if I want to, but nine times out of ten it is just nervewracking and obnoxious.

While playin MGS: Peacewalker I got stuck, first by feeling like I had to check a menu that I already knew what it was, then checking it anyway, then checking to see if the other menus had the same subtext label. At that point I really didn't want to check for the other subtexts, but I felt like resisting or avoiding was just as detrimental. I though "why is it so difficult?" So I checked. Then I immediately felt guilty for giving in to checking. I remember not being able to decide what I actually wanted to do. It might have been the OCD confusing me against my original desire of not checking, threatening that resisting is also bad or even another compulsioin. This just is not the case. There is a definite obsession and a definite compulsion and since I did not want to check for other menu subtexts, I did not have to. It wasn't avoidance, it was simply not wanting to give into checking/ritualizing.