You know you spend all this time doing the work. the self love that everyone wants you to have the respect and care you give to other give to yourself fucking Bullshit. Sorry.. Ive been doing a lot of ground work and putting myself in uncomfortable situations. To you know, build my character or some bullshit. I’m putting in a lot of work don’t want to but realizing things and waking up from denial.
Ive been trying to stay on the road to healing and growing lately I have been self sabotaging myself. Im focusing all the growth I want for myself on someone else. I need to remember the goal. Getting out of this place, going back to school, and moving forward. It’s going to take time. I really really need this. I was thinking earlier asking myself the hard questions so that way I can go back and learn. Why am I losing sight of my goals. I want him to be unconditionally in love with me. This guy who I think im falling in love with. I haven’t had this intense feeling for anyone in a long time. I’m taking my time because I want it to be real. I don’t know how I’m going to do that but maybe by June. That is my deadline to see if i’m really in love with HIM for HIM or is it the potential again.
That isn’t what this is about though. That was a thought that popped up in my head that i knew I need to remind myself or put down before I let it get away from me.
This is actually something I was thinking about my mother.I was thinking about the kind of woman she is. I remember when we use to sing together, she would give me baths, watch movies with me, eat with me, and spend time with me. that was the time between us moving from one place to another. I first couple of months were great. Her attention on all of her kids because she didn’t know anyone, so she couldn’t get laid. Yeah, I think my mother had a high sex drive or something because she had 4 girls already and she was only 32. But that all changed when she got a job and started to get to know the people around her. Woman just desperate for someone to love her and save her. The damsel not one wanted to save. Eventually lost all the respect I had for her only because she gave birth to all of us in hopes to trap a good man. She gave birth to all of her kids hoping it would fix her, not considering that one day we would see her for what she is a damsel. She didn’t have me because she wanted me, she had me because she was in the moment in love with yet another man who was using her… She only loved me for a little while and that stung so much. I felt roadless? Thought I had no one I could trust to guide me. just free balling it as a teen, into adult hood. At least I didn’t get pregnant. She is probably my source of being afraid of being a mother. See what I mean digging deep. Thats my own conclusion though.
I was thinking what am I craving that is holding me back from focusing on the goal i have set for myself. Then I thought of the Guy I’m head over heels for, Why am I so desperate for him to want me and like me? Right? I keep digging deeper like what is it I want him to give to me? what would make me happy? I thought his time, his attention, his praise, his commitment. Then I thought can I give those things to myself? Will that make me focus? Am I learning to beat these unnerving feelings i’m having. I asked what did my younger self want that no one gave to her… shit just typing that out hurt or stung in my chest. What did I want? My younger self? what did she want?
She wanted to be valued, prioritize, praised, seen, heard, inspired and protected. then I thought how do I know I am valued? How can I make me feel valued by me, so I thought taking care of myself. Eating and sleeping. Prioritize, I will make sure everything i do is the best thing for me and will make me happy. Praised, I will hug myself more, reward myself with things I have always wanted to do, congratulate myself when I succeed at a personal goal. Seen, Blogging out my frustrations and recording myself having conversations with myself and look back then reflect. Heard, Speaking up when There is something that goes against my values. Inspired, Holding some expectations that I should be responsible for me and my actions. Protected, learn the knowledge to save myself and protect myself.
Sooo…. shadow work is what I was doing all day today..I love it and hate it.