What do i do to ignore them behind me? Do I follow my instincts mlindly? do I haide my pride from these bad dreams? And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening? Do i sit here and try to stand it? Or do I try to catch them red handed? Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness/ Or do I trust nobody and live in lonliness? Because I can't hold on when i'm stretched so thin, I make the right moves but i'm lost within, I put on my daily facade but then, I just end up getting hurt again, By myself! -By myself- Linkin Park http://www.lyrics.com/by-myself-lyrics-linkin-park.html
Those lyrics are so true to my life. i havent had depression badly for about 2 months it would come and go on certain days tricking me yet again. Making me think it was almost over, i was almost learrning to conquer it, to make it go away. But no. That can't happen because that would mean I would be happy ad by all means that is not allowed! For the last 3 days all I have wanted to do is cry, or scream.
And then i keep wondering how no one notices, i have been told I am a good actress, a good liar. But I did not know I was so convincing that no one could notive i have depression. My mom thought she noticed my brother having it when really it was a bad day for him! IT TOOK HER ONE DAY TO THINK HE HAD HIS! BUT YET I HAVE HAD DEPRESSION FOR 3 YEARS AND SHE DOESNT NOTICE! which leads me to beleive no one notices anything about me, i am as invisible as I feel sometimes. And yes some could argue well you aren't telling your mom and you expect her to notice and blah blah, well yes i realize i could tell her, but i can't, i don't know how or if she will even understand what depression is.
Depression is not just a feeling of sadness its like a chronic disease. Its always there, always. I do not think my mom will understand that and everytime it gets almost bad enough for me to tell her i dont. Because really what would it accomplish? A therapist that would be too much money for us to pay for, would i get treated any different? maybe for a little while and then everyone would go back to hating me, or being mean to me, either that or they all think i am diseased and start to act careful around me trying not to step on my fragile little feelings, i don't want my family to be fake with me. I sometimes think i should tell her but i dont want to have the above happen.
I sometimes wonder how my family would react if i died, if i killed myself would they cry and for how long? would it even bother my brother who could give a crap less about me? Would my step brothers and sisters pretend to cr for me or would they really be sad? Would they cry just to make themselves look hurt? thos kmanipulative kids probably would. I am not suicidal, i will say that straight out. i am much too afraid of dying to ever kill myself i just contemplate occasionally what the reaction would be.
I guess I am writing this here just to let it out. I have to write it where people can see it because writing it on a peice of paper will do nothing for me because no one will ever read it, and then its not actually getting anything off of my chest its just wasting paper. So that is why i write all of this stuff here in case any one was wondering, in case anyone actually reads this.