C=what california is saying…J=what i\'m saying

J-"hello california".

C-"hello justin".

J-"I\'m really lookin forward to starting a new life here and all of the excellent oppurtunites your state has to offer:)"

C-"thanks Justin…glad to have ya".

J-"i\'ve heard from alot of people that you can really help me with my anxiety, depression.etc, issues. as i\'ve worked so hard to get where i am now and just left all of the great help that i was getting in ohio(as well as my family) to take advantage of all you have to offer…hopefully see a good psychiatrist, therapist, get my med situation fixed asap, take care of business, get into a college, find work asap and get off soc. sec., and become the person that i have always dreamed of and know deep down that i can be. i can\'t wait to get started, but first things first…i need to stabalize my mind. could you please help me with that by getting me into these top notch facilities that you have out here so i don\'t wanna kill myself on a daily basis? that way i can then have my head on straight and be able to focus. its much appreciated!"

C-"whoa there buckeye man!!! easy does it dude", we don\'t help people like that. i don\'t know where you got your info about us, but you heard wrong. you see, what we like to do is make life as difficult as possible for people(especially the mentally unwell). it\'s kinda our thing here. see, we don\'t take too kindly to Ohio folks. we\'re doin all we can to make you turn around and leave, or off yourself! wait…yur still alive? damn…i thought for sure you woulda ended it by now. see, here we like to deny those who have the most severe issues the help they need and deserve(especially the ones who have worked thier ass off to get where they are now, and have changed thier life in such a positive way). huhhh…kinda like you i guess."

J-"Well, that\'s pretty fucked up. but i\'ve been pickin up on that. i know life isn\'t easy but fuck! i mean…i thought….well, i guess i thought wrong…but i hope you know that i don\'t plan on giving up anytime soon!"

C-"Yea, i know you wil try your best…but in the end it won\'t really matter, because see, we are kind of like a parasite. we will feed off of your misery and then regergitate it back down your throat. i don\'t think you know what you got yourself into here hahahahaaha."

J-"you know what? you\'re startin to get me pissed! but what can i do? take on a whole state?…no, probably not. i guess all i can do is keep trying even though everyday i struggle with the thought of killing myself. but despite all that you\'ve thrown at me…i\'m still here and i won\'t go down without one hell of a fight!."

 

C-"o.k. Justin. give us your best shot. lets see what you got. you try your hardest, and we\'ll make every last detail so fucking complicated that you\'ll want to blow your head off. we\'ve got you right where we want you. your dependent on us. and we\'re not that dependable, as you now know. we don\'t really care about anything but…yea, we don\'t care about anything but celebrities and music…wait, can you act or sing? oh, thats right…you\'re from ohio. nevermind!"

J-"Whatever california. there has to be some good in you somewhere. i look for good in everyone and everything. so i won\'t give in(or atleast i\'ll try my damndest not to despite my insanity and gut wrenching depression). i\'ll look you right in the eye and tell you to fuck yourself. i\'ve got a job to do out here and i will get it done, and if i die tryin…atleast i died fighting. so until i find the good in you, i\'ve got a picture for ya…it kinda explains my feeling toward your medical establishment(which has nothing on the "redneck" state of Ohio(the state that i love).

……..ok, yea. that was my conversation with the state of california. and no, i \'m not trippin, high, or hallucinating. it\'s just how i am being treated here by the medical establishment. i\'ve been lied to, had things go my way, only for the state to take them back. and countless other bullshit problems. sometimes. like tonight, i want to drink a bottle of anitfreeze and say goodnight all. as a matter of fact, i\'m feelin so low, i\'ve got this pit in my stomache and it\'s makin my heart hurt. i feel so fucking depressed (beyond depressed), i don\'t know what to do. but just keep trying to keep it together till my hard work finally pays off. but how long will that be? Fuckkkkkkkkkkk….things just keep getting worse….even when i think they get better, they get worse. and trust me..i\'m doing everything in my power to try and get into a shrink and just make things better in general with EVERY aspect of my life. lol, maybe you can tell by this blog that i need to get help…i know i do. i want it. i just can\'t get it. i\'m not religious(however i do believe that things happen for a reason), but maybe you guys could say a few kind  words for me. i\'m in pretty bad shape mentally…i\'ve been through so much…i just don\'t know how much longer i can keep fighting…………….

p.s i know cali is much more than singing and celebs…i\'m just at my wits end….but here is my pic for the state…atleast until i get what i desereve…ok, i guess if i show the pic than i will be deleted. so i best not show it. but it kinda tells the medical establishment(the gov\'t, to fuck off)…althought i guess i shoulda known that the state was in a finacial crisis.

this blog most likely makes no sense…but either do i right now. if you think i\'m crazy…yur probably right…but if ya think i\'m a fool, then you\'re sadly mistaken.

i\'ve just got so much on my mind and my mindstate is fucked. i just feel like giving up. i try my hardest( and everyone aknowledges it out here), but it doesn\'t seem to matter, i still end up either fucking things up, or getting fucked…..

if you read this…i apologize…i hope you can retrieve your brain cells back.

but thanks if ya did read.