A couple days ago, I was in my first (and hopefully last) car accident. If I had been the victim, this wouldn't be such a terrible thing but unfortunately, I was the one that cause it and I hate myself. I will start by saying that the other woman involved was not harmed atall and her car miraculously suffered no damage. I am so thankful for that. However, my car was rendered un-driveable and I was injured with a concussion when my head smacked against the driver side window.

Here's what happened.

I was waiting to turn left out of a parking lot onto a very busy four-lane street. I was having a really good productive day and it was going to be a lot more fun later on, so my last chore for myself was to go buy groceries (I had none and now I STILL have none). The high school down the street had just let out, so traffic was really clogged and I was reconsidering going shopping. It would have been far easier and less of a wait to just turn right and go home. However, my stomach was growling and the promise of empty cabinets motivated me to do my shopping. The guy at the front of the line of traffic in the far right lane noticed that I'd been waiting a long time to pull out and so he stopped traffic in his lane to let me out. I was just going to wait for all the cars to be gone to be safe because I've always been told never to listen when someone waves you out. I tried waving at him to tell him to continue on but he insisted, so I waved in thanks and started to pull out. Unfortunately, neither he nor I noticed that there was a car coming full speed ahead from behind in the other right lane to the left of him. I didn't see her coming for even a split second before she hit me square in the driver's side door/tire. My head smacked the window and I screamed, muffled by the sound of crunching metal and cracking glass. I loss conciousness for several seconds and I was too disoriented to figure out what to do right away. I DID notice the guy that waved me into the road drive up onto the sidewalk and flee the scene. The woman was already standing on the sidewalk, calling the police. I wanted so badly to apologize to her. I tried to get out but her car was pressed up against my door and I couldn't open the passenger door because traffic had already started moving again and my door would have been taken clean off by a moving car if I tried to open it.Eventually traffic slowed enough for me to get out. I apologized over and over, but because she wasn't hurt and her car was fine, she was very understanding and told me that accidents happen to everyone and that it's okay. Still. I have never EVER felt so guilty in my life.

Once everything was cleared away, my car was towed and impounded at a local towing site. I went through the long process of reporting everything to my insurance and had to go get the car released immediately so that the insurance company could come and tow the car to the nearest garage. There was a little road bump in my paperwork so the whole process of getting it repaired won't start until tomorrow and I haven't gotten an estimate on how long it's going to take yet. I was also treat in the ER for a concussion.

After all of this is over and I've paid for everything, I don't know how I'm going to be able to afford my apartment, let alone food and amenities. I was already struggling financially and had made note of it before I left the house to do my shopping. If I get evicted for not being able to pay my rent, I will have nowhere to go. And I keep forgetting about car payments, internet and phone bills, gas money (for my rental car and eventually my car when it's fixed), insurance payments, etc.

[WARNING: The following paragraph may be triggering. Proceed at your own discretion.]

I hate myself so much right now for screwing up a good thing so badly. I already cut and it's really hard not to do it again. At one point, I was gripping the box cutter as firmly as I could and just staring at my long, unmarked forearm, thinking about a new, bright red line blooming right down the center of it. I thought about taking bottles and bottles of pills with the gallonof rum I keep in my kitchen. I'm going to stick around for the time being and I'm going to do everything I can to right my wrong. If I leave this world, I want to minimize the mess I leave behind.I can't trust myself with this life because I always end up ruining it and just making it harder for myself and everyone in it. They say you're supposed to cut out the toxic people in your life. What if you are the most toxic person in your life?