This blog is going to be about the past to a large extent. If you are one of those people who are all about moving on no matter what, skip it. I have a recent heartbreak which I feel is worth pursuing and I will not wait to become a distant memory, so it happens to occupy a lot of my thought process and I do intend to write about it a lot. I want to know exactly what I did right that first date and why it stopped. All it takes is one slight misstep on the ladder to go plunging back down to the ground, and I'm going to want to figure out what made me fall before I get back up, because it hurts A WHOLE LOT.

This means that I am unhealthily fixating on an unfixable situation. True. I already know that. If you are one of the people I told not to hang on, who would like to call me a hypocrite, well played. Now tell me how you are still holding onto hope anyway despite what I said. So I am a bad example. I also broke my one week rule, figuring five days was long enough. You have to feel these things out. Since I wasn't expecting an answer at first anyway, I figured now is the best time to get all of the unpleasantness out of the way. Actually, this might be the best part of the whole relationship; I can say practically whatever I want without any fear of repercussions!

This is destined to fail. That is a positive thing. It's a learning experience. Failure over time is good, it hardens us, it's the fast failure I worry about, that one moment that cripples a life, that slip down the ladder, that one word spoken in the wrong tone of voice. One must always be ready for the life-changing moments. It's the lingering doubt that you never had a fair chance that really aches the hardest. Like if I'd just been a little bit better in that one moment I have frozen in time in my mind, dad would have hung around and not preferred my half-brother over me. It's ridiculous, of course, he clearly preferred dealing heroin to all of us, but you get the point.

I actually had no idea I was still depressed until after I failed this young lady's "audition". I thought i had gotten over it after my last heartbreak. She left and I went back to the bad relationship, thinking I was happy just to have someone. Then this girl who has been dreaming about me since high school steps in and flips my world upside-down. Now suddenly it's ME who's not good enough for her because of how messed up I got with this other girl. All of a sudden I realized I really was all alone with this person I loved. All of this time I thought I was content suddenly flooded back to me and I realized I had been living a half of a life.


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