I first want to convey all my sincerest thanks to all of my friends that replied to my last blog . It really helped me to hear from so many of you and that you had experienced similar situations~ even though it made me very sad .
I completely agree that I think that all 3 of us, ( Aaron, Zachary and myself ) need to get somefamily therapy . I'm just afraid to approach that again after what happened the last time , about 5 years ago . I had a great personal therapist , but I made the mistake of having him also become our marital therapist as well . This caused major problems ; mostly because he identified with my husband personally and allowed that to get in the way . My husband was also lying about not having an affair with my best friend to the therapist , so since I was honest about my decision to separate and see someone else ~ I became the "bad guy" who was the cause of all the misery and problems in our relationship . My current therapist has told me that if Aaron and I were to have marital therapy we would need to see someone besides her , because her only intent is to help me get better and that it wouldn't be right because she's known me for so long and wouldn't be able to be objective about our problems .
As one of you wisely suggested ~ he did have a very bad childhood . It's part of what bonded us together so young . We knew we could only really depend on each other . His parents divorced when he was very young and then his mother married an abusive man (and divorced him , but not until the damage had already been done ) , and then remarried another abusive man , but this time not physically so ( or at least not often ) but emotionally and mentally . He was and still is a complete control freak ~ at 7 years old he would lock Aaron out of the house when he got home from school because he didn't want to deal with him . He also wasforced to mow the lawn by that age with no supervision every week . He shared a tiny bedroom with his very young sister until he moved out at 17 ( his sister was 3! ) , even though it was a 3 bedroom house with a den . Instead of helping him with his schoolwork when he became frustrated by it , he would be locked in that tiny bedroom for hours without food or the ability to use the bathroom .
His mother , who should have been protecting her son , didn't care . Her husband had money , and that was all that mattered to her . On the night things blew up and Ray ( step-dad ) and Aaron got into a physical altercation , Aaron called his father and asked him to come get him right then . He packed a back full of things , and went and stood on the sidewalk at 11:00 at night because he wasn't allowed back in the house . His mother stood in the doorway and pleaded with him to stay , but Aaron refused . He asked her bluntly while he cried how she could choose Ray over him ~ and she looked at him and said simply and coldly ; " He's my future , not you . "
So yes , Aaron has been through a bad childhood too . His mom made sure that his Dad didn't get to see him , although his 2 other older brothers from that marriage lived with him . His mom at one point even abducted him from his elementary school when his Dad was initially awarded full custody of him , but she didn't care about the other 2 . Imagine being hated by your brothers because you're the "favorite" and stuck in a household where you're treated like a POW at the same time .
He joined the army after graduation , and the was sent to Iraq shortly after 9/11 . This is why we got married at 21 . I wanted him tohave a reason to make it home , and he wanted me to be taken care of if he didn't . We eloped because hardly anyone approved of it . We were intending to get married soon anyhow , but we both felt it needed to happen at that point .
Baghdad changed him a lot . He came home a completely different person than the one who left . It broke my heart to see my sweet , kindhearted , gentle , loving man had become hardened and cold to almost everything around him . He does fight with PTSD , especially on the 4th of July because fireworks sound like mortars being dropped nearby or when people are using fireworks for New Year's .
He too struggles with depression , but he doesn't admit it . Although he's gained a lot of who he was before Iraq back ~ there's still a lot of anger there . Some of the things he witnessed and had to do to keep himself safe, plus what he endured as a child have given him his own demons ~ but he doesn't share them often .
I think individual therapy would be great for him, but getting him to admit that he needs it and then getting him to go is a battle that I probably won't win . He sees it as a personal weakness to need help with his feelings . For me he sees it as a necessity to my health because of the bipolar illness .
But I wanted to share something good that happened this morning in closing . We have a large pond in the backyard, over an acre in size . 2 days ago my bought a10 foot zodiac boat for it . Yesterday evening he took Zachary out and played on it with him for quite awhile , until they were called up for supper . And this morning , as I've still been feeling down ~ he dragged me down to the boat and ferried me around for a 1/2 hour or more , me lying on my stomach in the sunshine , trailing my fingers through the glass-like water passing beneath us , peering through the depths at the wonders of aquatic life below . No words were really spoken , as he seemed to sense that I needed that peacefulness . He stayed up with me until 10 a.m. (when he usually goes to bed around 8:30 or 9 a.m. ) to do that for me . I felt so much more calm and centered afterwards and was truly grateful for his gift to me .
I believe there is hope for us , for him . He's trying , fighting that wolf that consists of anger ,jealousy , greed , hatred , and lack of kindness and compassion . Like one of you suggested , I need to help him feed the good wolf by being supportive and giving positive feedback when he does the good thing .
Hope you all have a great day . I'm still tired and need to sleep . On an aside~ I was saddened last night by the loss of my betta Wraith . 🙁