So I wound up only having four hours of sleep last night.  Admittedly, I am hardly eating or sleeping right now, like more than usual, and you would think it would be having an effect on me, but nope, feeling pretty alright so far, so I’m sure it’s all going to mount up and just flatten me suddenly, soon enough, and you’d think that would force me to stop my current patterns, but like…when has it ever?  I’m kinda thinking, so what?  So I’ll crash.  Okay, so it’ll be like what, one day, maybe two, of feeling awful?  I think I can live with that.  I’m sure, when it happens, I’ll be thinking ‘omg why am I always doing this, I swear in future I’ll never do this again’ but right now I can’t really see that far ahead.  I mean, not clear.  In theory, I can obviously, but it kinda seems like some distant vague idea that won’t really come true. [br][br] anyone else ever just met someone and just clicked so intensely, that was just it, like, life was totally changed forever and you never looked back, like instant friends for life?  I’m thinking my best friends, I’ve probably done that with them all.  I mean…maybe it’s just me, part of who and what I am, but I sorta feel like if you have to get to know each other first, for like a long time, before you feel that click, it’s not real, it won’t last.  Maybe that’s the wrong attitude though because I mean, friendships grow with time, right?  But like…I need the instant click, I’ll get to know them later.  That way, it doesn’t really matter if you have things in common or you change as you grow older, or life changes you – the point is, there’s always that similarity as the foundation.  I guess it’s like love at first sight.  I need it, like with anyone.  I like plenty of people really, I can talk to plenty of people, but not as many people just draw me to them immediately.  It’s funny too because I can look back on all these people I’ve instantly fallen in love with, all my friends, male or female, and it’s not even like anything particularly astounding happened to make me feel that way, yet for whatever reason yeah it was just like instantly I was there thinking ‘I have to get to know this person, I have to be their friend’ without really knowing why.  Then, however many years later, I’m like ‘oh, I see why, now’. But you know…I guess also there is the fear that, as quickly as it begins, it will end as well.  Shorter lifespan, and whatnot.  And sometimes that has happened too – like instantly OMG I LOVE THIS PERSON THEY ARE MY BEST FRIEND EVER and a few months later I’m not speaking to them anymore, I don’t even know what the big deal was to begin with.  But I think I’m getting better at gauging from the start which friendships are like that, and which are going to last.  I hope I am.  I mean, I really really really really hope I am.  At the moment, that hope feels so important to me. [br][br] I feel really ugh about myself today.  Like, I’m not unhappy, I just feel like I dressed in the wrong clothes today, and now I’m worrying and feeling all stressed because I’m at work and can’t very well commute back home and change, so I feel trapped, and it’s lame.  I also desperately need a haircut, my fringe has got way too long, and I even read in ‘Marie Claire’ the other day (January’s issue, ‘cause I never have any time anymore to read things, it seems, and the mags are just piling up and it’s turning into like something to add to my ‘to do’ list – catch on magazines – but that’s pretty silly, right?  Like what law is there that I HAVE to read these?  I wish they didn’t put months on them, then I probably wouldn’t feel like this), that apparently overgrown fringe is quite hideous and unfashionable.  Le sigh.  Well, what can I say, I really really really hate going to the hairdresser, I hate it so much because you have to go in there and sit in a chair and be totally still (which I can’t really do anyway, and I start going mental wanting to tic) and I have to take off my glasses so they can get the hair to sit flat so then they ask me how it looks so far and I’m like I have no idea, I mean people just don’t realise just how blind I am, like you could be standing on the other side of the room from me, like a small room even, and I wouldn’t have a clue what expression you had on your face, I remember there was this ad I don’t remember what for, all I remember is there was this man doing an eye test and he was just randomly guessing the letters and eventually was like ‘um…is it a cow??’ and I just thought it was hilarious because yeah that’s so me, I go to the test, and I’m like ‘uh…a…e…no wait no no no I know this one uh…s??  J!!! it’s j it’s j’ like as if it were an exam that I actually had to pass, not just a helpful assessment for me, and seriously the last time I went to get new glasses last year, the optician even was shocked at how bad my prescription was, I don’t really understand English systems of measuring the blindness, all I know is that a + is farsighted and – is nearsighted, and it goes in numbers and apparently like a -5 is considered terrible and everyone’s like oh wow you’re seriously blind!  But I don’t have a -5, I have a -10 ahahaha, I am just soooo blind, and omg going to the opticians, you know, like…I’m so blind I can’t even tell what new glasses would look like on me, so I’m there with my face right to the mirror trying to guess what I must look like with the new glasses on, and last time I went though they gave me generic disposable lenses to use, and I was like omg you are geniuses!  So I had a VAGUE idea at least, really they didn’t have any lenses bad enough to match my prescription at all hahaha, so I had to do with like a -8 or something but you know, it was better than nothing, but still I mean getting new glasses, it’s like plastic surgery, it’s going to change your whole face, your whole identity, so when I got my new ones I felt so self-conscious like omg I’m a new person and EVERYONE has to start commenting on my face, it was so weird, I’m glad for them now but I really had to transform, it’s weird.  And anyway, the hairdressers, yes, you know what I really hate is having to make the small talk, because like I’m never going to speak to these people ever again for the rest of my life, right?  So like…why should I talk to them?  I know that’s a mean way of looking at it, but that’s how it feels, it always has, but I’m not rude, it’s just like, they say something to me and like I really have nothing to say back, so I’m talking in monosyllables and then I close my eyes cause it’s weird just staring blankly ahead when I’m so blind, and the hair’s getting in my eyes so I just close them and then that makes me unsociable right?  So then it’s like an hour of just awkward silence. [br][br] The reason I’m even thinking about how I look today is because I’m going to this Einsturzende Neubauten concert after work tonight, and I had this whole outfit planned but I hadn’t ever worn the top yet, it’s just something I got in a sale for £5 a few weeks ago but I didn’t try it on and it’s nice but I realised I think it’s meant to go over something, like over a nice shirt probably, and I bet it’ll look good except like I didn’t feel like wearing that today, so I had to last minute think of something to wear and I just had no idea, like I looked in my wardrobe everything looked awful, well not awful but like nothing fit my mood, and so I just feel like I did a bad job of it, and I’m really amused by the way last time I saw them a few years ago I’m pretty sure I was wearing like pastel pink, and this time I’m in purple looking all business-y but with these random colourful ribbon-bow clips in my hair, and like half the people at the show will be in like black leather trench coats.  Not everyone though, at least. I would have worn my einstur t-shirt but you know, I had to go to work too, and I didn’t want to change cause I hate carrying bags with me, I just hate it, what a bloody hassle. [br][br] einstur are like one of the original industrial bands, well like there was musique concrete in france which was just found sound, but it wasn’t quite the same thing, then einstur came along in germany and like made music out of chainsaws and bridges and things, and it was all done with a sense of humour, eventually though it got more musical and it sounds like electronic except it’s not, and they’re very very clever creative people (shut up jonathan, this IS interesting!!!), and last time I saw them I did worry it’d be super pretentious because on paper everything about them seems pretentious haha, like in a really funny way, to me, but actually no they weren’t at all, they seemed like such genuinely lovely people, incredibly intelligent people too, and I was very impressed, and also loved how they’ve been together like 30 years now and they’ve never changed their line up and have never been in it for the money really, they’re still pretty independent, and they really do just seem to be best friends, who all have the same idea of what they want to spend their lives doing.  I mean, it’s so simple, it makes me feel like wow, I wish I could achieve that. [br][br]  Anyway, so their name means ‘collapsing new buildings’, which could sound a bit negative, but I once read the frontman Blixa Bargeld, who’s a bit zen and poetic, contradicting the accusation and saying ‘destruction is not negative – you have to destroy before you can create’.  So why do I bother mentioning this – well, I remembered that today and was thinking, I sorta feel like that right now, in my life.  Like, yeah I sorta feel like I’m destroying so much of my past or of everything I thought I knew to be true, or to be me, and so last night I was there worrying about this destruction, but really…it’s not as if I’m just destroying it and leave it in ruins.  I’m replacing it.  I’m filling it up with new things.  I guess it’s like the Death card in Tarot, or Pluto in astrology – it doesn’t mean death and destruction, they’re not bad things, they symbolise a transformation, out with the old and in with the new.  And am I happy with the new?  Yeah, I think I am.  I think I’m just feeling really confused right now though because this is recognising the borderline, between the old and the new.  This is me going oh wow all these changes are happening, and yeah change, I hate change, I don’t handle change too well, never have.  So yeah it basically sucks right now.  But it won’t, eventually.  Eventually it’s going to be good.  Because all the new things will be created, and really I mean you’re constantly dying, everything is constantly dying, and then being reborn, I just need to accept that and stop mourning the loss of every second that passes, because, well…new seconds will come, and they could be pretty good themselves.