I have found the most stress-inducing thing, yet I find it very calming at the same time.
Knitting, or more specifically ‘Loom knitting’ (no, I am not talented enough to knit 😉 )
It is not stressful when repeating the same pattern over and over again, watching as your masterpiece continues to grow. The most stressful thing is finishing the project at midnight, the cheap yarn snapping as I tried to cinch the piece together. The results weren’t too bad for my first project… it looks like a knitted bowler hat. Covers most of my head but only covers the top part of my ears. Very warm, though. I’m debating keeping it for myself or giving it away.
I think I’ll keep it as a ‘Look at what I can do other than the work I’m supposed to be doing during quarantine!’
… yeah, I’ll find a more catchy title for it. Even the acronym for that name is a little long. Yikes!
I’m stalling, aren’t I?
I did a little thing called Coming Out Simulator 2014. It is going through another person’s half-true story of coming out, and no matter the result, the point of it is still the same. Coming out allows you to see which people will stick with you and support you, and know who the toxic people in your life are.
So, it inspired me to tell my coming out story… or add onto it.
I came out to my professor after a friend admitted to me that she thought anyone apart of the sexual minority community was abnormal and disgusting. I needed someone to talk to. Someone who is in my situation currently. And of course, as we were quarantined at the time, my parents eavesdropped on the situation.
Now, thankfully, I was vague in the things I said to my teacher. I knew that I had only said things like ‘coming out’, ‘wanted to make sure’, that I had ‘frustration at the hypocrisy of my church community’. My parents assumed many things about that conversation, and when I walked out of my room… there were tears from my parents.
We had a long conversation, but as I talked with my parents, I realized that they were trying to get me to admit to everything and wouldn’t tell me what they overheard. Forcing my time to exit the closet. They told me outright that if I were apart of the LGBTQ+ community, they would find people to help fix me. To fix my problem and help me not make the choice to get confused. Which, not gonna lie, made me pretty angry.
Call me a coward. Call me terrible. But I did what I felt like protected me the most, and my therapist agrees. I only told them that I am asexual. It explained all of the things they overheard in the conversation. What I hid was the fact that I am homoromantic. But that could have put me in a terrible situation if I did tell them.
After this whole thing, my parents tried to convince me it was just a phase or that I hadn’t found the right guy yet. I tried to convey to them that I never had the desires that they would always tell me about. With my Ex, they would say ‘Don’t go after him because of your attractions‘ and ‘Everyone has those desires, but make sure you aren’t following after him for that reason only’. I had never experienced those desires and when I would tell my parents that I didn’t feel that way, they would tell me ‘it’s completely normal’, not believing that what I was saying was true. That I was trying to pretend to make them feel better or something.
So, because of this issue, I came out to my therapist. I knew this was something I thought I should mention. It would be a determining factor concerning whether or not I wanted to continue to see her. And it went amazing. She wanted to get me in contact with other people in the community who I haven’t met before. She was willing to give me names of different churches or community groups to join instead of my closed off, hypocritical church.
I just don’t understand it. Church is supposed to be about accepting others into the church, welcoming everyone in with warm hearts. Preaching to the broken instead of the healed. Helping those who don’t have as much instead of those who smell better or dress nicer. And what do some of the churches do? Accept only those and help only those who dress nice, smell nice, act nice, and tell their kids to stay away from anyone who might be a drug addict or homosexual at their schools.
I’m pretty sure in the Bible that those were the people Jesus taught to and healed. He didn’t teach the prestigious leaders, rather the sick and blind.
I’m not sure what I believe in right now and I’m not trying to preach at anyone. I’m just writing out my confusion with the Church and how they don’t follow what their teaching says (not everyone does this, it’s just more seen in my community. For those who strive to be accepting and loving towards everyone despite what they look like or believe in, thank you).
Thank you for taking the time to read a story of mine, and I hope you have a great day.