Please forgive me if i babble, but this is the first time I've wrote down my feeling and thoughts about my life and struggle with depression.

My Background

I have struggled with depression since October 2008, when my brother died from an accidental drug overdose. Although I suppose I'm now 'over' his death I still find the concept of 'life' abit too much sometimes.Between Oct 2008 and now my life has change significantly, got married, took on a correspondence course for video game design and relocated to a different country.

Currently

I met my future wife in March 2010 and got engaged 9 months later, we married in South Africa in January 2012 and relocated permanently to SA in November of that year.

Its only 3 months into starting a new life I have never felt worse.

I cannot concentrate on studying and have fallen disastrously behind, at current I cannot see myself completing this course but if I don't complete it then what is going to become of my life? Working in an unskilled job waiting to die is my best guess.

I constantly feel inadequate due to my inability to find work, all over facebook I see people younger than myself gaining further education and landing jobs of their dreams. Something that I cannot seem to do.

I am struggling with an addiction to online pornography, this is something that I have been trying to stop since I was 15. This addiction is not only affecting me, but also my marriage and our sex life. My wife thinks that I quit watching porn ruffly three years ago and I know it would devastate her to know that I have lied to and failed her.

And lastly I am subject to alcohol abuse, through my journey to feel happy I've found that drinking helps for a few hours. My wife is noticing this and the subject of alcohol has caused uncountable arguments in our home.

I am feeling like there is no hope for my life, some days I feel suicidal and have no idea what the next step is.