lately I have been really depressed. Not feeling hopeless, just generally unhappy with my life. I feel like I am not putting my best effort into my life. I feel like I could be doing so much more but I am just sitting around watching life pass me by. I have finally gotten through the stage of wanting a boyfriend but I know I will get those feelings again.Right now what I really want is a friend I mean like someone I can talk to and hang out with express my views on life with. Everybody in my town thinks I am a nice person but I am really not. I really think that I am mean, because I judge people a lot by the clothes they wear and the way they look. I know I dont dress that nice and I am not that pretty and I really shouldn’t judge people.I am thinking about getting back in church, but when I used to go to the youth group it didn’t work out for me. Everyone ignored me and I felt like an outcast, the way I have felt my whole life.I hate that feeling it really makes me feel bad about myself. And when people don’t talk to me in school and everything, I feel like they hate me and there is no use to even try to talk to them. That’s how I was all through school.But I think after I got older, I started to realize that maybe it was the fact that I was shy, withdrawn, and I didn’t really have much to say. I kind of kept to myself in school, but I had a few best friends that I really liked spending time with. I don’t know I just feel really alone. Like I can be with my family and everything and I just won’t feel like talking because I have nothing to say. We just have totally different feelings about life. My mom and sister are always happy and they really love each other, and I even feel like an outcast at home. Believe me I think that is the worst feeling in the world, feeling like you don’t belong. I know I am talking a lot about that, but it’s just the way I feel. I feel like my family doesn’t love me anymore I just feel like I am a mess and I don’t deserve my family’s love. And I used to get all depressed about it and I would write these depressing poems in my diary and then my sister would read them and it made me feel bad.I just think my sister feels sorry for me because she knows I am depressed most of the time. One time it made me so sad because she asked me if I could be happy again and just stop acting depressed and I told her I couldn’t, it wasn’t that easy. I used to really love my sister and my mom, but now I feel like I have no feelings at all. Like I am just numb from everything. Well thats about all I am going to write for now but I will probably write more later.:em4600:

1 Comment
  1. sorrowfulpoet 14 years ago

    Have you talked to your family? Told them how you feel?

    I know from experience some families don’t get it, but yours might if you talked to them about it.

    As for being an outcast–some of the best people are, technically Jesus was a bit of one if you think about it–how he talked to the religious leaders at the time. I know its a tough gig to not fit. I’ve never fit, and likely never will. Just keep fighting for yourself, try and stay strong, maybe someday the world will fit, maybe you’ll realize that it doesn’t matter if you do or not. Or maybe aliens will invade and steal our brains 🙂

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