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I don’t have much time before outpatient.

Not sure why I’m even going…

Not sure why I didn’t just kill myself, the way I said I would, if I ever fucked up, again…

That would certainly be easier than this.

Waking up to another [email protected] failure…

Yesterday was awful, and then it got better.  Late last night, I thought I’d be fine.  I even [email protected] promised I would be (God, I am such a lying piece of sh*t).  But, laying in bed, I was seized by this God awful pain.  It caught me off guard – it was so bad.  Throbbing, pulsing, burning pain…  so unbelievabl awful…  the kind of thing that breaks down reason.  (Not that I’m making excuses – pain or not, I’m still an asshole).

I didn’t taken enough to fuck myself up – just enough to take the edge off.  When I made the call, I did ask for an amount that would have been sufficient.  But, the person who kindly set it up for me, while I writhed around in pain, took half.  (Probably for the best, as far as my welfare goes – certainly not the best for him).

Maybe I have been kidding myself.

I don’t deserve anyone’s help.

I should have bought enough, even accounting for some pilfering, to just put an end to all of this sh*t.

Okay, I stepped back for a minute – I am TRYING to calm down.  To believe that I am still worth saving…  or, that I ever was… 

One night, and that small amount, it shouldn’t be enough to throw me off physically, at this point (meaning, I won’t go through actute withdrawal again, if I stop, now).

But, I wouldn’t blame anyone for giving up on me at this point.  I’m starting to give up on myself.

I can’t believe I broke my word. 

I’d actually convinced myself that I was different, somehow.

What a [email protected] joke…

I need to stop this train of thought.

It’s getting away from me, very quickly.

I just, need to breathe…

And, trust…

And, try to stay calm.

Until I can manage something better than calm…

Oh yeah, and to everyone who’s been trying so hard to help me…  you have no idea how sorry I am for letting you down.  I  feel like a waste of your time, right now.  All apologies…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 Comment
  1. Somecure 11 years ago

    I”m sorry I”m such a voyeur…your writing is especially magical…there has got to be a resting place up ahead for you…hang on

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