I’m fearful of myself right now.

The thoughts that have been going through my mind are so unhealthy.

My husband says aI’m a free loader basically.  He says I need to work and pitch in.  Mind you he’s 62 and almost retired but a workaholic.

I’m tired of him.  A job?  O.K. so I called an escort service and sent them pictures.  They said they would put me to work.

How frightful is that?  Is this what I have come to?  Seeking money and attention from another man?  A stranger?  Someone that could harm me or maybe someone that could love me?

I slept on it last night and told my husband this morning as he was leaving town that I would work as an escort.  I think that was a cry for help.  I didn’t get much.

But, I did decide to not take the job.  I’m sick now so sick that I can’t imagine how sick I would be after laying on my back for some stranger.

Thank you dear Jesus for help me or making me not do that.  How desperate.  I’m so sick.  My doctor is not in until Friday.  She needs to be here.  I need her help.

Wait until my husband hears that I need him to pay for that.  He will blow up as usual.

He has been dipping into his savings to keep things going.  How F#*kin sad is that?  I don’t feel bad for him.  Do you?

I must get off to school now.  That is my only relief.  Tuesday thru Saturday. 8 to 1.  If I continue to go everyday I will be done in March.

Then, I will be a licensed esthetician.  Wow, what am I to do with that?

Oh yeah, Pay off thousands in federal student loans.

It is never ending.  I appear happy on the outside and so very sick, and sad, dying on the inside.

I must have some dignity or hope because I didn’t sell my soul or my body.

Thank you Lord Jesus Christ for protecting me with your angels.