I just overheard the conversation of my coworker about her best friend who just gave birth, they were coming home from the hospital. When I heard that, I overcame with grief about something that I cannot have, a second baby. Instead, I have to slave away at a job I only like so-so, it's like being in a relationship with a person you don't really love, but stay in for financial reasons. You try to lie to yourself to keep your sanity. In a current economy, I've been struggling to find another for couple years to no avail. I'm so exhausted from doing not what I want to do, it's so fucking depressing to be forced to do what you don't want. I'm so trapped in this situation, I hate myself for making the choices I made, for being weak and not being able to stand for myself better. I could, for instance, overcome my  emotional devastation few years ago and gain a profession which could bet at least more profitable instad of drowning in debt, not being able to breathe. I am so tired. I neglected the most important part of my existance in pursuit for a baby – my emotional satisfaction with life; I should have known better. And now I don't know how to resolve it, how to get out of this hell. This forced living arrangement with my mother has to stop or I will lose my mind or hurt somebody. This has been boiling inside for so many months,, I don;t know how much longer I can stand this before something bad happens. I no longer believe therapy can help aleviate the pain, I want REAL results, not just living on hopes and dreams, I'm so frustrated! How much longer can I tell my husband what to do before he learns to think with his own head instead of me planning out his every move, or he won't know what to do next. It feels, the moment I stop giving instructions, our lives would collapse. There is so much pressure over the things that we still have to do! I see no future ahead, just bills, pain and suffering. I have no energy to continue. I want to lay down and fall asleep. I don't care anymore, I have no hope right now.


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