Today the house feels invisible. Objects feel out of reach. Holographic again. My hands feel tight the skin isn’t stretching. My breath is shallow and unrecognisable. My purpose? I think something to do with environmental politics, its all fading very fast. Im having sporadic dreams and toxic thoughts. All nonsense and pointless. Whats useful Charlotte? Learning, building – reaching out!
Ive eaten porridge, an egg sandwich, crackers and cheese and beans. I think thats enough.
Some coffee and I’ve tea brewing. I need to address this sedentary period. If i don’t keep moving I will hurt myself. I need to schedule yoga and regular walks round the block. Im never going to be boxing this year but I have to keep in that mindset that I am athletic – for my sanity. My hero is Jess Ennis – she’s all i need to think about.
So Im working online with a premise — “the green deal”. I just want to smoke a green fag. Once upon a time, i vomited in my mouth. Once upon a time I loved nature. I had a quest. To save it from destruction. Its what my heart ticked for and my logic ran to. Now I’m terrified of sex and quite repugnant. What happened? Judgement again.
People around me they fuck me. Their genetic trace in my mind. Every treacherous interplay has marked a code almost. That i can’t forget. Forgiveness. Its a small word really. Remembrance, is this my next bucket of chow to throw over board. The collective forgetting. A really beautiful nuance. I felt good when I found it. I guessed it had a connection to me – my existence – the people around me; we will all forget. Everything. Impermanent aren’t we?
So lets switch lanes. I am the victim. I am not the victim. I am the protagonist. I have my brains. I have my calculator set to rational. I should be a gardener. Virtual? or physical? I want to design and plant plants sure. But i know i would wake up in weeks time and find it insufferable. I wanted to be a clown. A mime. Make people smile and waltz in the unknown. Designing the symphony from madness. I tried. I went mad for it. But the others didn’t sense it. They believed themselves the purest of them all and I a fake.
That story is very much dead. Like the rotting bones of a once triumphant whale at the bottom of the ocean. Hidden, incrementally buried by the day – ceasing to be visible forever. I like it that way. I love closing a door. So much pleasure in covering a mouth with your hand and trusting no more.
But besides all that malarky this “green deal” project. By 2050 Europe will be carbon neutral. I find it hard to believe. Europe they work well together? Its been a while since i evaluated this playground with my infantile mind. Just the thought of how other people take me off a platform and prevent my time because I am a woman or because I have issues with my health. Ive lost myself in the illogical train > what do they think of me? This egoic place that I once banished (i won’t brag). Its stops you from joining in, making memories, shining for light for others.
Pure soul feeling – pride, resilience, strength, courage, kindness, empathy, listener. All these my friends drain you to. There is not a single perfect moment in life. Whether you are selfish or selfless our world is oppressive. Liberation is a daily struggle. Isolating these factors – i can’t believe I’m 27 and the challenges in growing are in fact a mountain range — don’t let them make you think its one mountain.
The biggest weapon I can give you today is faith. A word. An imaginary friend. Do everything good for yourself in the name of faith. Have faith in everything. Faith in your dental hygiene, faith in your breakfast, faith in your trip to the city, faith in your bike ride, faith in speaking to someone. If you have faith in your actions you will be rewarded by the universe. Without a doubt you are a faithful person. Above everything you are a faithful being. Especially in this very moment. I pass you gold, fortune, luck, light and faith.
