I'd like to start writing something here each day that I can. I think it'll help a lot.
It was actually very hard to pick a song for "Music" today – I'm absolutely obsessed with music of all kinds. My ex used to make me listen to Def Leppard if I got grumpy. Pour Some Sugar on Me was all I needed to hear to dance around like a goof and stick a smile back on my face. Music is my lifeline, my blood, and dance is, too.
I group songs, too. I have a very good memory for where I heard a song, when I heard it, and what was going on at the time – therefore, when I hear one song it usually triggers several others I listened to around the same time period. In this case, one song, "(Tango) Princesse" by Julie Zenatti, put me in the mood for "Belle" from the Notre Dame de Paris musical, which put me in the mood for "Let Me Fall" (specifically the Cirque du Soleil performance here), which put me in the mood for the final, more upbeat and the happiest of all the songs – Hall om mig. That's not entirely random, either – Let Me Fall seeks solitude, a desire to break away, letting oneself be held only if that person comes with, down, away, and Hall Om Mig happens to translate to "Hold Me." So ya. There's a connection, promise.
There's an excellent AMV for Hall Om Mig here, from an amazing anime based on Swan Lake. It's gorgeous, way less dark than the more recent rendition Black Swan, and very ballet/pointe-accurate. Considering I danced both studio and drill from age 3 to 18 (at which point I could no longer afford to dance – workin' on that), it's pretty close to my heart and it always puts me in a better mood.
As far as the day itself went, I battled OCD with everything I had. I still had trouble leaving the room at my husband's parent's house where I've sort of set up camp, but I did anyways. I popped a xanax and a ritalin, went downstairs, and ate a dinner. It lasted ten minutes, but I did it. I went to work on time, I spun a little on my new wheel, and I slept like my life depended on it.
I still feel trapped, but the fear was less today. I think if I stop promising my husband, who we'll just call Sir, that I'll do better tomorrow, I'll join you tomorrow, I'll clean tomorrow, I'll leave the room tomorrow, then maybe he can make enough of an improvement to our home that I can come inside again. I love putting things away. I just…our home is not pretty.
I'll talk about my house another time. It's a long, depressing tale, and I feel…more level today. Why bring myself down?
What's worrying me is the onslaught of deadlines coming up on me. While I'm locking myself up in a room with a spinning wheel and a couch to sleep on (we don't have a bed at the moment), the world is continuing very, very quickly. We had a major flood that ruined most of our possessions back in May, and we haven't finished filing with insurance to replace anything. Everything with my maiden name on it needs to be changed on a deadline. Insurances need to be switched, leases changed, rent paid. Nobody is stopping and waiting for my "weekend" or for me to get out of bed. I'm skipping doctor appointments, going to the bank, anything that involves opening the door and facing the mess.
I want to be a go getter. Jump into everything. See my animals again. Go home again. Open that door, play with my dog, see the foster kittens. I want to find my firefighting manual and get back to studying and training. I want to open up a tab for my online classes and get enrolled for January.
It's a battle between pulling up one's boots and behaving the proud, tough kid I was raised to be, and fading away because I can't see improvement in the future, just the downhill. And trying to fight this is so…tiring.
Today was better than yesterday, but I still don't have the energy to psych myself up for tomorrow and pretend that then I'll be able to leap into it and just POWER through every task. If I can just get through this shift, not quit work or my major obligations, maybe Sir can carry me through this just a little bit longer. I'm truly not sure if I want to want things again, or if I just want to disappear into my brain until everything is gone and I can just sit, all day, in a spotless room, on too many drugs to think about my teeth aligning, my shoelaces being different, my nails snagging, my animal records not being up to date, my bills not being in chronological order, my everything disappearing before I can fix it. I don't think about it when I'm asleep. I want to get through this shift, still have a job, and go immediately to sleep. I think rather than want, that I simply need to continue sleeping each day into nothingness.
I just don't want to wake up in a month and not be a firefighter, not have a job, not have any hobbies, and still not have a home. That isn't sleep, that's a nightmare.
Focus on tonight. Go do audit. Mop the floor. Rearrange the drinks. Spin yarn. Answer the mouse questions. Take a xanax and stop thinking, stop thinking, stop thinking.