Well today has been a rollercoaster all by itself. I woke up feeling really ill and frustrated. Things went ok with my friends last night, but my boyfriend wanted to stay up late, even though I felt awful (flu) and tired, even after I had asked for his support to try and help me get back into a normal routine. Needless to say he kept me awake and just as I had 'caught my second wind' he fell asleep – leaving me furious! Especially as i had already had a positive outlook for today even thinking of getting up early and doing all the things I used to do before my problems started.
He woke me up this morning and I thought, maybe today will be ok. Then he fell asleep again after apologising for last night. Then the dogs came in and threw up all over my bed! So i was begining to think this day was going badly. when I tried to get up and get on with my day, my boyfriend decided that i was too ill to do anything myself and wrapped me in three blankets on the sofa and told me not to move! So I thought to myself 'why bother, why bother to try and change anything, when you do you just get put back into the same place as before. whats the point in trying to change' Then he tells me that he has to go into work on his day off – what a surprise -NOT. It just the usual.
You see the day before i found DT, we had a massive arguement, where I told him i wanted to leave. I dont like relationship where they blow hot and cold, but we are finding this a rough patch to go through. I've been working hard on my depression over the last year and I feel like i've let him down and not been there enough to support him, but I knew that if i didnt make these changes, then we would not have lasted.
I started developing depression just before I start my relationship with him, and so I was able to adopt his patterns so easily and became a night owl, eating the junk he ate and getting to 250 pounds. I hate myself for this and I regularly blame him for the mess i'm in, and I know its not all his fault, I am to blame as well. But I keep asking for help from him, which is the only way he can help, the only way he can support me, but he keeps saying he will help and he will change the way he is so we can get an early night sleep and live some sort of life that resembles a normal life, but I have been asking him for 3 years to change and he hasn't. I'm really not sure what to do anymore, I am finding it hard to make this change without his support and thats why I need it. If he cant support me i have to do it alone and that means i wont be able to live with him any more and I cant just walk out. But im starting to feel thats all i have left. We have talked about this very thing 4 or 5 times this week and he keeps promising an early night and normal day, but it never appears! What should I do? I love him dearly and need him. But what are my options left? I can feel that I am starting to slip into a bad depression again like before I got help and started working on my problems. I cant get bak to that place but I cant loose him, he is the only good relationship that I have ever had, and that is including my familial relationships.
If you have got this far well done, I am surprised that you didnt give up long ago! Thanks for reading my post and I hope you are all well having a better day than me! take care x