Well today has been a rollercoaster all by itself.  I woke up feeling really ill and frustrated.  Things went ok with my friends last night, but my boyfriend wanted to stay up late, even though I felt awful (flu) and tired, even after I had asked for his support to try and help me get back into a normal routine.  Needless to say he kept me awake and just as I had 'caught my second wind' he fell asleep – leaving me furious!  Especially as i had already had a positive outlook for today even thinking of getting up early and doing all the things I used to do before my problems started.

He woke me up this morning and I thought, maybe today will be ok.  Then he fell asleep again after apologising for last night.  Then  the dogs came in and threw up all over my bed!  So i was begining to think this day was going badly.  when I tried to get up and get on with my day, my boyfriend decided that i was too ill to do anything myself and wrapped me in three blankets on the sofa and told me not to move!  So I thought to myself 'why bother, why bother to try and change anything, when you do you just get put back into the same place as before.  whats the point in trying to change'  Then he tells me that he has to go into work on his day off – what a surprise -NOT.  It just the usual.

You see the day before i found DT, we had a massive arguement, where I told him i wanted to leave.  I dont like relationship where they blow hot and cold, but we are finding this a rough patch to go through.  I've been working hard on my depression over the last year and I feel like i've let him down and not been there enough to support him, but I knew that if i didnt make these changes, then we would not have lasted.

I started developing depression just before I start my relationship with him, and so I was able to adopt his patterns so easily and became a night owl, eating the junk he ate and getting to 250 pounds.  I hate myself for this and I regularly blame him for the mess i'm in, and I know its not all his fault, I am to blame as well.  But I keep asking for help from him, which is the only way he can help, the only way he can support me, but he keeps saying he will help and he will change the way he is so we can get an early night sleep and live some sort of life that resembles a normal life, but I have been asking him for 3 years to change and he hasn't.  I'm really not sure what to do anymore, I am finding it hard to make this change without his support and thats why I need it.  If he cant support me i have to do it alone and that means i wont be able to live with him any more and I cant just walk out.  But im starting to feel thats all i have left.  We have talked about this very thing 4 or 5 times this week and he keeps promising an early night and normal day, but it never appears!  What should I do? I love him dearly  and need him.  But what are my options left?  I can feel that I am starting to slip into a bad depression again like before I got help and started working on my problems.  I cant get bak to that place but I cant loose him, he is the only good relationship that I have ever had, and that is including my familial relationships. 

If you have got this far well done, I am surprised that you didnt give up long ago! Thanks for reading my post and I hope you are all well having a better day than me!  take care x

2 Comments
  1. Veronica51 11 years ago

     

    If you feel some thing you should do, do it and make the change. If he has any true feelings he will be back.  Had done this about two years ago with a man I have been seeing for over twenty years.  Actually he broke it off with me and I did not call him or emailed him for a week and then he call and asked why I didn't call and I told him he made the choose and then we started to see each other again.  What I am saying, you have to do the best for yourself in order to get well.  This year has been so bad for me that it seemed every time I turned around I hit a brick wall and this man understands some of my depression but not all and he finds it hard for me to be happy.  I had a few guys in my life that treated me like okay I hear you but they still did what they wanted and there was one that cared for deeply and I was about your age around twenty and we even were engaged but I broke it off with him finally because I could not take it anymore.  We cared for each other and seen each other now and then but then I learned he was getting married so I did the same and it was the worse thing I did.  We parted but after being slapped aroud and beaten all the time I got out of there thinking I loved him and I ended up in the hospital because my depression got me again.  My brother had past away and the guy I was dating before I got married had called me long distance and talked to me for two hours and back then you had to pay for themintues you talked on the phone but he kept telling me he was sorry.  We never did get back together but deep in my heart I know that he still loved me till the day he died.  Just think of this as an episode in your life and an experience you enjoy.  Remember look for yourself first then the next person and you will have hurt in your life but as a friend of mine once told me it is a lesson learned.  Do what you feel is best for you.  I will never say go with your heart because I found out it is always right for me. God be with your for he is looking over your shoulder.

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  2. Veronica51 11 years ago

    Wanted also to say that if you feel like doing something for yourself, do it.  If you want to go to sleep early do it he is a big boy and don't need to hold your hand.  Be with him but do for yourself and don't let him pull you down.

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