So I'm sitting here listening to the rain come down. Last night was a long night. A rough night. The last night. This morning I got up after a sleepless night, still wanting more lsd. I realized that I don't even know who I am any more. Everything may be beautiful for a few hours, but beauty can only go so far. All I concentrate on is the next high. I didn't realize I was being swallowed whole by my pursuit of a higher high. I sat in tears this morning, hating the person I've become. I want to be a better person, not just for my family and fiance, but for myself. I think I owe it to myself that for just this once I care about my own happiness.
I flushed the last cube I had, and while I felt sad to do it, it felt like a step forward for me. I think I needed to watch it go down the toilet. It made me see the metaphor for how my life could be if I don't stop. I've dealt with addiction before (pain killers and ecstacy), and while I've sworn not to touch them again, I found myself looking for other highs.
Well I'm tired of being high. I'm tired of trying to impress people I don't really care about and who don't really care about me. I need to move on with my life so that I can have a family. A family better than what I had.
So today, I sit here in tears, looking up na meetings and watching episode after episode of breaking bad and drowning myself in a tub of chocolate ice cream. Tomorrow may not be any better, but it could be the start of the most beautiful journey of my life.