If i ever get the guts to talk to you again this is what i would say..

"First of all, thank you for being the one person who stuck by my side and stuck up for me all the way through secondary school. Admitedly i got jelous when you got with your first boyfriend..i didn't get to see you so much, i was secretly relieved when you guys broke up coz i thought i would get my best friend back! But you'd changed. You went on the rebound, not once, not twice, but over and over and over..You went off to uni, we metup every week when you came back and that was great. But last year you reallyhurt me! more than i can ever describe. My friend Simon died in April, i was obivously upset so you do what you did best and took me out drinking. But the thing is i didn't want to drink my sorrows away, i knew it wasn't right and i just wanted to curl up and cry most of the time. It soon dawned on me that you weren't there for me, you just wanted a drinking companion so you could get with yet more guys to add to your hideous list! You got shirty with me when i said i wanted to go home..you actually called me boring. I was still in shock that my friend was dead, this was suposed to be a 'cheer up drink and chatter' but it turned out to be the opposite. anyway the final straw was when you took my phone and text Simon (godbless his soul) saying 'i had a great time last night' i've been too ashamed to look his partner in the eyes since. Of course nothing happened between us. This was a spiteful immature text! i didn't find out she'd sent it till the next day when i was at work browsing through my messages asyou do and saw this message to simon. I FLIPPED. sent *friend* this furious message saying something like "do you realise what you've done?! You text simon (my DEAD friend) a misleading text message, his partner is trying to greive!! grrrr" she text back saying -omg im sorry hun- but that doesn't quite cut it for me! Almost a whole year on and i can't bare to talk to her :/ we've drifted so far apart..She never properly apologized to me :/ makes me mad thinking about it. I struggled with his death :/ it took me a long time to come to terms with it. he was a good solid Christian who didn't deserve to to taken at such a young age :'( I hate you "friend", but i also miss you so much..or do i just miss the fun times that we had? oh i dont know! my heads spinning bringing all this back up. But said "friend" keeps popping into my mind when i'm at work and browsing through facebook etc, can i really hide from her forever? after alot of therapy i've decided that i didn't over react at the text, it was perfectly normal. And i'm allowed to be angry at "friend" but i didn't anticipate the anger to go on this long!! I just want simon and "friend" back. rewind please. also i hate you for Letting me push you away, would a real friend do that?? i miss you and hate you so much all at the same time :'( ..

i know you will never see this, but yeah..i'm still mad at you, why did you never apologize properly?

urgh i'm exhausted!