So tonight my depression is hitting hard and it doesn't help that I have no one to talk to and Valentines day is tomorrow… I really have no valentine honestly. Like I have my friends and the are awesome but I want like a romantic valentine. Not a friendship valentine…. And the one other guy besides my ex that I love (yes, unfortunately love) has stopped talking to me. He's just acting weird around me. He hasn't really talked to me for a couple days. He hasn't hugged me in a week. And I have no idea why! He won't tell me! He's perfectly fine when talking to other people, he's back to normal with them! But with me! H*ll to the no is he going to talk to me. Like what did I do?!?
So my mother's boyfriend's son is over here for a while. Apparently he got in a huge fight with his mom so he'll be staying here for a while. Which would be fine if he didn't cling to me all the time. So I scratched myself because he dared me to…. I did it really hard and now I'm bleeding, just a little though. But it was the feeling that I got from it. The tingling numbing sensation that scratching yourself brings. Since I broke skin, I knew my endorphins or whatever are in high gear trying to patch it up. The feeling is intoxicating. I have forgot the feeling. I have 'been sober' (as I like to say when I refer to not cutting myself) for probably a year now. Maybe more. You start to lose count after a half a year because for me, it because a habit not to cut myself. Don't, get me wrong, its always in the back of my mind. Almost like a plan Z but after a while my brain tends to zone it out, almost as if it were not there. But it is. And it always will be. So as the tingling feeling begins to fade, my mind goes back to plan Z simply because I'm that depressed. I just… I don't want to break my streak. Then I told the son that I cut myself (not tonight but a long time ago… So he's known for a while) and he had the nerve to dare me to cut myself again. Imagine if I did that. To him, its no big deal. In fact he said that! He was like oh its no big deal. Do it once and be done with it. Its not like its addicting. This is all what he said! He just doesn't get it! Because the simple fact is that it is addicting. I want that feeling. I want the numbness of the pain, the tingling sensation up my arm after the pain slowly fade. And when the scars begin to scab a little, I like to rub my arm up and down, against my scars simply because… I don't know. Its almost as if it calms me or something. Like that simple act can replace the act of cutting some more. Its just… Amazing. I just….. I don't know. I know its bad for me. But how can something so bad, feel so good?!
I just…. I don't know right now.