I wonder…. I wonder how it could be, how my life could possibly have turned out so horrid, so sad, empty, so unfullfilled. I wonder about what kind of person I am that anyone who comes into my life eventually leaves…ppl like me don't have long lasting relationships, still those words resonate in my mind.My life has and will be a meeting of the heart or the mind only to be followed by all that i hold as special dissolving leaving me hurting.It seems as though losing ppl whom I loved gets harder as I get older,I'm not as strong as I once was.I am afraid, afriad of life now more comfortable with the idea of death.I long to just go away to be free to sit under a magnificant tree watching the day slip away …quitely I'll go…missing woman….last seen….

I am grateful for the good times and good souls I have been graced with in my time here. I'm grateful for the world just not the life of my world.

I've made huge mistakes, costly mistakes and long not to make anymore but it would seem I'm on a collision course of distruction.

Every aspect of me just seems pointless.

I felt better today was able to eat without nausea pills. I felt able to go to the grocery store but couldn't go and there's no one to take me so once again we do without i don't care about myself but it hurts me to see my mom without, and yes I do blame myself to a degree.All i wanted was to be able to simply go outside jump in my car and jet up to the g store,take my time which I never can because I'm always with someone else and get some grocerys.

Life has no rythum anymore.

I wonder will I ever see the ocean again? get to go shopping? drive a car, hell own one? will I ever feel loved and safe again? wear perfume? own a home? be able to support myself? trust again? will I ever look at the world and have it take my breath away again?

I really have lost all hope……


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