Dear spirit hang in there…………………………………………………………..

So I am thinking as I am quietly weeping on mypage.The songs are playing while my hear is weeping, and my mind is racing……….. I try to stay hiden so I won't be heard, but I know my son hears me even though his room is closed, the tear drops fall, as I cannot contain them one by one.  Same as for my mind that is raceing.  

 It is getting harder to function! 

These days it seems like it is only getting harder to function, more than ever, or is it just getting worse day by day. I know, it is not getting any better, at all!

I am going to see  a doctor this month. The doctor is through a church and he donates his services, about 30 minutes for each session. My first meeting was toward the end of the month, but I got moved up to the next coming Thursday, for there is an opening!

My weight is roller coastering again, and maybe it all ties into everything, till I fix my spirit in a better way my weight is not going to get better all by itself either.

I had been working cleaning inside a factory for an agency on the weekeds, about 20 hours each week, but I am not there anymore, currently!

I am trying to get the last of my paycheck. I had been punching on the phone on a number that they said was not it, yet the phone gave me the number to begin with. Too many things with it, so I decided that my time was up. I am trying to have my own investment but if I have enough money saved up to do it I do not know!!

Too many things going on in the house which I know is also effecting me in a bad way!! I am pulling inward, and it is hard to come on my site, to step outside, to get my cleaning done, or to even fuction. Whwn I had went to the church to find the doctor I was still cleaning, of course now I am not, but it is getting even worse in this here house!!

I have paper rituals that I do are prority first thing of the day!! I sit on the coach and think, a lot, to the point, of just not getting my chores done. The rituals, and thinking seem to be my first priority, and in the process I am pulling inwards!!

Baking makes me panic, and super also becomes difficult to make. I have to push myself to brush my teeth, shower, and shampoo my hair, which I tend to have oily hair which needs a lot of tending. The make up and the rest of it I am afraid I cannot do, same for some wart medicine I have bought but cannot deal with as to get it applied!

Simple things just like that! I often just cannot do, some not at all!!

When I was working I use to think during the week I will accompish so much, but it would turn out I would accomplish very, very little indeed!!

My creative writing is very important to me, I am doing it slowly. I had started my story before '08 when I had went to Greece and I have not finalized it as yet.

Many do not know how hard it is, and if they do not suffer from OCD they cannot have a clue as to what it is like, even, and how hard it can get at times!!

I know when we have the right people in our lives it can get easier, and the wrong people, only make it trigger for the worse. I strongly beleive that a lot of it , if not all of it is environment. Now the multi-billion dollars business industry, of ourse is going to tell you different. That is a lot of the problem right there, they are making big bucks from it, same as weight loss, we get ourselves in trouble and somebody is just waiting to benefit from it. I myself do not believe in the drugs, but that's me. I never impose my view point on somebody else, but I do like to be respected for having an opinion about it. So, what do you do, when you do not want to take the drugs for it? I do not know the answer for it. I know keeping busy helps, but what if you just can't be able to keep busy. It can be a vicious cycle like everything else!!

Lately for me I am just getting urges to hurt myself, a little while now, it is a repetive thought of something shrp cutting on my legs, that is me though it is not me, and it troubles me deeply and dearly. I do not want to think such thoughts, but they seem to be on autopilot somehow!!

Will I do it, no I will not, for I have strong religious persecutions for things like that!! Will I ever snap? That I do not know, so I can only pray and hope that will never happen to me!! And that is one more reason to go to talk to the doctor at the church. I hope it works out and he can give me the tools to be able t fix this, or at least better cope with it and fuction a bit better with it. For life is way too short for all of this to be happening, yet it is!!

OCD does not discriminate, unfortunately!!  It hits eveybody and it can be with everything and anything!!

If we try to educate ourselves, and self help ourseves, perhaps it at least hold it back from getting worse, if you catch it young at age a nd work with it, perhaps our young generations won't suffer as much!! And maybe even yet some day, we don't have to suffer at all with it!!

The only way is to educate ourselves, our families, and our friends with it. The only way to do that is not to be so secretive with it!!

Yes, I know that is not easy, I know that well enough, and I know that I feel ashamed and I also know that I might be judged for it!!

Hey, I am still the same person. I still have a good enough and worth enough spirit, and if they can't see that, then they are the ones that are not worthy of me, it is that simple. No, we do not want to live alone, but we do not need to live in judgement of it either, for mostly this is not about choice, we just do not remember choosing it, or did we? That is a very good question for us to think about, and become more stronger with knowlege, and build more courage, without crutches, without OCD!!  But for now……..this time being, how can we not limp first, how can we not crawl first? Does anyone have the answer for that, please let me know if you do?!

Alsp please do not misunderstand me, if I tend to not answer you, is it cause I do not love you, you know the answer to that. I am just barely hanging in there sometimes in this life hoping along for now on my crutch, but I dream of better days and a better future for us and for our kids. A day when we don't have to put a crutch on ourselves to live, to survive, nor to cope!! Let's hope so for all our sake. Keep all the ones you love dear into your hearts, have an open mind, and always juded less harshly. You don't hasve to like it when someone does something you think is wrong, but it costs you less than a cents worth to understand it with a conpassionate and open heart! Take care, and God Bless……and hand in there dear spirit and heart!! Love, Ekaterini-Kathy

 P.S. Thank you for all the birthday wishes, and for visiting my page.