i feel like a shell of a person today, im just going through the motions like a ghost. i feel as though right now im in limbo, just existing until i finally get where i want to be, i keep laying awake at night stressed that i dont know where to put my dresser or bookshelves in the new house, how i will organize the kitchen, stupid ass stuff!!! thats not the kind of stuff that should keep me awake at night, but it does. i was thinking today and analyzing how i think and im kind of a small picture person, i have trouble figuring out what to eat for dinner, ten years from now seems impossible i cant even fathom it. its frustrating me because i consider myself intelligent but i spend so much time focusing in on every single immaculate detail within a small space that i cant see how to achieve the big picture, i know what i want it to be but i cant record the steps of how to get there. im just so tired of being tired. i feel like these blogs are redundant, but so is this feeling, its just reccuring all the time, codependancy seems to be the only way i know how to live because then i have a partner to motivate me, then its not just about me anymore, i dont always care if i succeed or what happens to me but i refuse to be the cause of somebody elses failure.

ive made it almost a week now without talking to my mom. i told her after our big fight last week that we needed to not communicate for a little while because i didnt want any part in her anger, its infectious like a venom that i can feel in every nerve of my body and every inch of my soul and i wont have it any more. she has been trying hard to reconnect with me but she needs to learn her lesson, that kind of behavior wont be tolerated by me and she needs to think before she speaks instead of saying such awful things and jsut thinking she can make up for it later every single time. i must go to class now but im glad to vent feedback always welcome, my love to whoever takes time reading this. 

1 Comment
  1. sadviolinist 8 years ago

    I'm so glad you made the decision to not take part in your mother's anger anymore.  That's a good thing on your part and very brave.

    As for codependency I understand what you mean ~ if it wasn't for my husband and son I wouldn't do ANYTHING. It's not healthy but it is what it is.

    I hope you're excited about the move, and it's okay that you're looking at the small pictures. You are very intelligent, people like you are often obsessed with details because they have a type A personality. As for not seeing the big picture that's okay too ~ I live from day to day and see how I feel to gauge what I can accomplish.

    I wish you well this weekend and hope you can find a little respite from feeling so glum.

    Take care and big hugs!

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