I had wanted to get an early night last night, Knowing full well that I had a few things to do today. Unfortunatly some bad things came into my head, and I didn’t end up getting to bed until around 3am. It was a rough night full of tears and anger.

I woke up at 9am not looking forward to they day. As soon as I woke my guts churned. I had to back to the therapist. I know its good for me, but I still get nervous.

But first on my agenda was my fourtnightly meeting with Matt, my probation officer. He was very happy with my little drinking these last two weeks. He was even more happy that I had the appointment with the psych again. He did appologise for being harsh on me, in forcing me to see the psych again. I don’t think he was harsh, just a realist.  He nearly freeked out when I told him that when my knee gets sore I "pop some pills". After I clarified that I was refering to over the counter pain killers, he breathed a sigh of releaf. Mind you he was kinda half joking about it. He reminded me in joking that on of the top 5 things to not tell a probation officer " I popped some pills". I did have a laugh. He mentioned that I seemed happier, than I have for the last few months. Maybe he’s right. I think that the lack of drinking may have something to do with that, after all, Alcohol IS a DEPRESSANT. He sad that if it wasn’t for my suicidal thoughts, he wouldn’t make me see the psych. Its at times like this I wish I had never told him about my suiciadal thinking… But yet again, if i hadn’t, i’d probably be in jail right now. He said something strange to me, well something I wasn’t expecting. He said that hes sure that there is/has been something that i’m affraid to talk about, and that is why i’m so scared of the therapist. I couldn’t belive it. How random, but TRUE!. He said that he hopes that i’ll be able to tell the therapist about it. I don’t think that is going to happen to be honest.

So after my 30 minute meeting with him, I went and caught the bus into town, on my way to the psych. I ended up getting in there 45minutes early, so I took they time to do some shopping. I was planning on getting some lunch, but I ended up running out of time. I was quite annoyed that it was drizzling. Yet it was still quite warm. To make it worse the office of the psych is in a hilly area of town.

When I got to the office, for the first time there was actually someone else in the waiting area. The first time I have seen anyone else in the office. I panicked at first. Thinking "oh my god, someone knows I come here!" but then reason kicked in and she’s probably thinking something along the same lines. She actually asked me who I was seeing. I told her. She was worried that she had the wrong time for her appointment. I’m glad to know that someone else worries about things like that too, cause i was thinking the same thing!

My therapist said that today she wanted to talk to me about become more assertive. I had told her that i’m a push over, and that I almost NEVER stand up for myself. She asked me if I take things back to the store if they are faulty. The sad answer to that is no. Hardly ever. I just put up with it and not worry about it. I know thats a stupid thing to do. She gove me a bit of homework to do with being assertive. I would like to be more assertive, the fear beats me, before I can get a word out, then go back to being the push over door mat that I am.

I find my mind and my heart fighting. Logic and feeling. For me the feeling wins most of the time.

I was wondering (thought I didn’t mention this to her) if I wanted to talk about something, is it ok for me to ask her? I don’t understand how these things work. I guess I just have to go along with what she says. I find myself in these sessions mostly just activeling listening to her talk. Adding "yeah" and "yes’s" when appropriate. Is this how therapy is normally?

Shes keen for me to become more socially active. Going out and meeting new people and all that. That scares the crap out of me. I told her that I’m not ready to go back to work, I am willing to go and do a course or something. The pressure of working, for me right now, seems too much. At least with a course there isn’t as much pressure. She said that it would be a good thing to build up my friendship circle again. When she said this it made me feel sad. It was like she was calling me a total recluse. I don’t think i’m that bad. Or am I? I have an appointment with a jobseeker place next week. She suggested I tell them that i’m feeling very nervous of going back to work, and ask if they can assist me in finding a course thats appropriate. She even made me do a roll play with her (I HATE roll plays). She said that she is the jobseeker person. I found it so difficult to say anything to her. I go so nervous and just clammed up. I have no idea how i’m going to do it next week. I’m trying not to think about it just yet.

She was also pleased with how my drinking is going. She said that I too should be pleased. I’m trying to be, but it’s hard.

After the session I made my way back home, after picking up a few more things in town. I caught the bus home, and there seemed to be an unusual amount of teenage girls on the bus. They were giggly and just happy. I remember when I was like that. It seems like a distant memory now. I did notice that almost every young girl that got on that bus had nearly idenitical hair cuts. Short on the top, and long on the bottom. Almost like a modern day mullet. All of them had a part on the side. I wonder what happened to the hair parting down the middle. I guess i’m just old and don’t understand.

By the time I got back home, I was physically and mentally exhusted. I went straight to bed and layed down for a while. My sister came in and was talking to me. I just wanted for her to go away, but I didn’t. (Maybe i should have been more ASSERTIVE!?). I layed there and listened to her stories.

I was just starting to drift off when mum got home.

There goes my day.. Right now I’m feeling drained.


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