So, I am struggling along.
This a.m. Charlie put the little netbook on top of my portfolio. I did not notice, and we left. When we came back, I freaked, and pulled it off, warning him that such a practice could indent the surface of the album. I then noted that it had already begun to do so slightly. He felt awful. It was an honest mistake. I as proud of myself – back when, I would have snapped, or at least been pissy or pouty for a short time. I got that from my dad. When I would f@ck something up, it didn’t matter if it was an accident, or not. I was in trouble, anyway – for not paying attention, or being more careful, or whatever. I was rarely hit, but it did happen, and wrongly so, at least once (I had not even done the thing I was struck for, in my dad’s case, and it was just nutty, unwarranted behavior with both my mom and my older sister – they were prone to such things) with each of my immediate family members.
If I had screwed up something that mattered to my dad,. even slightly, I would have felt so badly to begin with – and then, he would have come down on me. And, then, I would just be miserable – my dad had a way of speaking to you that just made you wish you’d been spanked instead (and I was punished – usuallly grounded or restricted in some way – my parents were incredibly strict when I was small).
It wasn’t until recent years that I figured out, mostly in dealing with Charlie, that the temper I had developed by observation (becoming like my dad through learned behavior) was messed up and hurtful – that it doesn’t make sense to lash out at the people you care about when they screw something up by accident. It’s just… mean. So, I told him it was no big deal. And, the damage is pretty superfiicial. I doubt most people would ever notice. I was displeased, but I could tell he felt so bad. I had no desire to make that worse. And, then, I actually felt good about the fact that the matter was swept away quickly, and we were able to proceed with a nice brunch (with an episode of DS9, of course).
I don’t know – it’s a small thing, but when I thought about how bad I would have felt, if I had been getting scolded by my dad for something similar as a kid (and I can think of such incidents, of course), I would have felt like such shit. That’s so unnecessary. And, it was wrong.
I don’t want to be like that, and I won’t be – not anymore.
My life has jacked me up, a lot, and I have lost control of many things in my life, but there are some things I DECIDE, and this is one of them:
I don’t want to be angry, anymore.
Anger is sort of the rougher, more defensive side of fear, and… I don’t want to be afraid, anymore, either. Just like, I don’t want to hate, anymore…
It’s not that I am going to forgive everyone who ever wronged me, but I am not going to project any energy into those emotions, whensoever I can avoid it. I realize that this might not often be the case, at first, but I think I will get to a place where I can minimize these destructive influences.
Now, I just have to figure out what that is…