I am wracked with indecision and anxiety. Last night was my "dinner party". I passed out at 11:00 and have been kind of sick all day. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to stay safe, to stay sane. I feel like I’m falling apart.
I’m going back to college in 2 weeks after dropping out because of a traumatic sophmore first semester. All the people I trusted there betrayed me, left me, brought me down, shamed me.
I had a panic attack after people left this morning and went to my mother. She tells me there are always other options, I don’t have to school 350 miles away..I don’t know, I feel so alone and disconnected from mankind. I don’t trust anyone, I don’t trust myself. I can’t believe my seven month exile from college and life in general is ending, it felt like it would be forever.
It is so hard to leave my mom, because she’s the only one who I really loves me no matter what.. Everyone else has conditions, judgements. These things have broken me, broken everything. I am so scared of facing them, but I’m also scared of not getting out of this rut, not taking my life back. My life is a shell right now.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how I can leave the only person I can count on. I can’t count on myself, and others only want to demand things of me. They don’t see the pain. These last weeks will be hell, I don’t know how I’m going to do it, part from my mom, and be alone. I feel so empty and I need someone to fill me up.
I don’t know how to turn off the panic switch, I feel such extreme anxiety at times, I feel like I am about to die, my chest hurts its hard to breathe, it’s hard to get out of and it’s scary for those who have to witness my blind fear. If anyone reads this, do you have any way to deal with panic attacks?