I blogged a week or so ago saying how I was dumped by my boyfriend of 14yrs so he can date other people.  The history behind this is we started out as best friends and lived together but we were intimate best friends and when he wasn't dating anyone it was me on his arm.  I know I shouldn't have put up with that but he was always honest with me about it so I gave him a plus for that because I can't and will not tolerate liars.  We lived together 10yrs before I had to move back home to take care of my parents and grandbabies so that was 4yrs we were apart only seeing each other now and then.  Evidently it wasn't enough for him to wait for me he moved on saying I didn't talk enough when he would call so he needed someone to talk to and this other woman has so much to say but he doesn't realize that's all well and good but once all the newness wears off he'll be in the same shape as now with me.  Besides that he would always call to talk when I had my grandson playing with me instead of waiting until he went to bed when I could talk and  yes I told him this.

I knew when I just went out there for a week something was up because he was acting different, put some space between us and it was like he wasn't giving me a chance.  Then I get home and the same night after a red eye flight he dumps all this on me about not moving out here with me because of medical problems but then I asked the question, is there someone else and he couldn't lie to me and said yes.

The thing that gets me is I haven't cried yet sure there has been a tear here and there but I haven't broken down and cried.    Did I know this was going to happen?  Was I ready for this to happen after all the time apart?  Or have I not yet let it sink in because we do still talk like the best friends we are and were?

Before he would always ask me to move back out there with him and I couldn't at the time and my family would put a huge guilt trip on me so I'd say no…..Easter sunday I talked to my family again and they said whatever makes me happy so I couldn't wait to tell him I called and said what would you say if I came back to live with  you now…he responded no I'm seeing someone….then he wanted to chit chat and I said no I have to go….  I do know one thing if this doesn't work out for him and he does decide he wants to be with me that's what it will have to be, with me only from now on.  I know many of you will say that's stupid it will happen again, so on and so on….maybe this is because I've not yet let it all in, not yet broken down.  I'm not really sure what to do with myself….I came very close to hurting myself but what stopped me is I couldn't think of an excuse as to what happened.  My family doesn't know I used to be and still am at times a cutter.

He is very obese and never dated when he was young and the first woman that asked him to marry her he did thinking no one else would.  Well when they separated he was an online  junkie with women left and right but when they met him they either didn't call again or wanted to just be friends.  When we first met we talked for hours at a time on the phone or the computer and then Iwent to visit him and confirmed what I knew when we first met that this man was the man I was to be with the rest of my life.  He told me several times that he was like a kid in a candy store and if he could go out with someone he would….I understood that and still do but shouldn't have happened when he was supposed to live his future out with me.  He does have a lot of medical problems some are very serious and he needs to be with the same doctor and he might not have found sufficient medical help out here but his biggest fear was getting a  job like he has where he can sit when he needs too and do the job at his own pace….I don't think he would have found the right job if he found one at all and he couldn't go back to his old job if he didn't find one  here so I understood all that it's just the woman thing now that I couldn't deal with.  I hang on to him because I know we will be together in some way the rest of our lives and I can't lose that, can't….am I being stupid?  I'll never trust another man again I know that for a fact because I hold too much love in my heart for him.

I'm still sad but I wish the anger part would take over so I can open up about how I feel but I can't it's all inside of me building and building till it's gonna tear me apart.  That's another reason I was going to hurt myself is to release some of this pain out of me, make an opening so all the  pain would flow out.  I'm trying  hard but it's still there in my mind.  Not sure what I'm gonna do but I guess I'm taking all the sadness and lies and deceit with me knowing I need him no matter what he's doing.  Why am I doing this to myself?  I know I should tell him to kiss off and I never want to talk to him again but I can't so I'm just punishing myself here aren't I?  What to do?  Just keep being best friends and wait for the time this doesn't work out because I know it won't evidentually they never do but I'd always been with him there before and now I'm not so who knows maybe it will work and that in itself will kill me inside so I'll never be with anyone ever again, ever.