Today is not one of my good days. I hate waking up late but I also have trouble sleeping at night, it has been awhile since I’m blessed with one of those. Showered, sat on my bed, had some coffee, then I cried. I remembered I got a pretty flower for my “smile therapy” yesterday. One of those things you felt embarrassed to publicly admit works, but I did felt less shitty after smiling at the blank screen, stopped crying even. I can feel my heart rate goes down a bit. My counselor used to tell me to do that in front of the mirror. I don’t have that kind of courage yet. She’s kind and thoughtful. I wished all my friends are like her. Its a ridiculous thought. So I stopped having friends.
I feel this dread everyday. Some mornings more intense than other. My chest feels tight, my body tense. I used to be on Propanolol then ‘upgraded’ to Fluoxetine on alternate days. That does the magic, but the nightmares were unbearable. I dreamt my sister lost her left arm once. That kind of shit stays with me for weeks. I’m off medications now. Partly because I don’t want to see anyone losing their arms, but mostly because I found the Headspace app, its mostly mindfulness stuff and meditating but it helps me focus and relax.
But this dread follows. Gets stronger when I turn the lights off at night before bed. Does it feed on darkness? How am I suppose to sleep at night then?