Today is not one of my good days. I hate waking up late but I also have trouble sleeping at night, it has been awhile since I’m blessed with one of those. Showered, sat on my bed, had some coffee, then I cried. I remembered I got a pretty flower for my “smile therapy” yesterday. One of those things you felt embarrassed to publicly admit works, but I did felt less shitty after smiling at the blank screen, stopped crying even. I can feel my heart rate goes down a bit. My counselor used to tell me to do that in front of the mirror. I don’t have that kind of courage yet. She’s kind and thoughtful. I wished all my friends are like her. Its a ridiculous thought. So I stopped having friends.

I feel this dread everyday. Some mornings more intense than other. My chest feels tight, my body tense. I used to be on Propanolol then ‘upgraded’ to Fluoxetine on alternate days. That does the magic, but the nightmares were unbearable. I dreamt my sister lost her left arm once. That kind of shit stays with me for weeks. I’m off medications now. Partly because I don’t want to see anyone losing their arms, but mostly because I found the Headspace app, its mostly mindfulness stuff and meditating but it helps me focus and relax.

But this dread follows. Gets stronger when I turn the lights off at night before bed. Does it feed on darkness? How am I suppose to sleep at night then?

Anyway.

 

4 Comments
  1. jwhitt 10 months ago

    I empathize. Sometimes sleep just seems like a fantasy someone made up. I am constantly anxious about everything/nothing. Then I’m also depressed because everything seems pointless. I am old; no children left at home to care for. No job to get up for every day. Constant worry and sadness.

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      shotrbread 10 months ago

      Hey, thanks for taking the time to read. Don’t you just envy the people who snore straight after lying on their beds. Its a lot of work, trying to sleep! Feels like a burden sometimes.. Ever tried listening to the sound of rain before going to bed? Let me know if it works..
      Not a lot of people write blogs here and I appreciate that you took the time to share your feelings and thoughts. I’m glad that sometimes someone is on my side, you know. Some days you could just cheer someone’s day up by just doing this simple thing. Thanks for that, and hang in there.

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  2. teee 10 months ago

    That sounds tough 🙁 …i’ve heard a lot of good things about practising mindfulness, hope it helps you!
    Sad when sleep feels like a luxury you can’t buy with any amount.

    Stress, worries and anxiety keep me up, some nights more than others. It’s been happening for so long I never thought of it as a problem. When i was in school i’d calculate math sums in my sleep… when i got to uni i’d dream about writing my courseworks and woke up several times to note down a phrase or idea sometimes just one damn word or shuffling around words to re-phrase a sentence or it’d keep me restless.. sounds silly but when it constantly happens it makes me feel like i don’t have control. Anything that’s slightly out of my comfort zone, anything new, any situation where i have to face people, anything important, anything at all, my brain finds anything to cling onto.

    The thoughts are with me all day so i look to the night for some peace, but that seems like too much to ask sometimes.

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      shotrbread 9 months ago

      Hey, yeah I would try just about anything to go to sleep! I feel like I deserve a trophy or something whenever I’ve had a good night sleep. I’m sorry we’re in the same boat, sleeping at night sounds like the most natural thing isn’t it? Its a mean thing, whatever it is that’s stealing your sleep and letting you think its natural to be sleep deprived.
      Yeah that sounds like me too, I worry about just going to the post office, then after I went, I worry about the other ten thousand possible scenarios on how it could go better. Just petty things.. I suppose that’s why the mindful thing works for me, it makes me just be in the present and distract myself from thinking about myself so much, for awhile.
      Go easy on yourself 🙂

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