So since this summer my OCD has gotten progressively worse. I'm cleaning and bathing more than ever before and I am now suffering with full blown panic attacks. I was hospitalized last week on suicide watch during a panic attack. My life is unbareable. It's been one thing after the other since this summer. I lost a close family friend, my grandpa on my dads side, my moms family is at war with us sputing hate and unfairness that has literally made my panic attacks so much worse. We have been so broke ass poor the last two months we didn't have food, heat, and our power was out for two weeks because of a snow storm. I got a job and quit within the first week of training in September because I was so overwhelmed. As overwhelmed as I was I looked for more jobs and went on tons of interviews and got nothing. Meanwhile putting up with my moms side cutting me down for it and my whole life and everything I am and ever will be. Two weeks ago my sister cut herself so deep on her wrists that her cuts layed open. Not even a week later my mom tried to take a gun to her head, I threw and broke a wooden chair blew my voice out from screaming and crying. My dad left for a break to Alabama I didn't have a good Christmas including as always Christmas dinner with my pedophile grandpa on my moms side (yes he's literally a pedophile he molested my friend in elementary school and did time and is disgusting) so yeah my life is a living hell. Even though I said I forgave the people who hurt me like my ped grandpa, growing up in my house with my father he didn't like crying so thats what I did my whole life sucked it up told myself I'd be okay you know where that has me now these panic attacks I haven't dealt with my past at all and all the recent shit has driven me down. I thought I could just keep holding on and taking all this crap piling on top but my body tells me no. I start trembling and my teeth chattering I get nauseous and weak my head aches I can't swallow or move and feel like I'm going to pass out. I am so angry at the world when I get a panic attack people bitch about the smallest things like someone not getting their mcdonalds order right on facebook and having to make a post like seriously fuck it when I am laying there so miserable that I don't want to live and I am not allowd to be hurt or complain. Honestly I am scared to let it out I don't want to feel all the hurt, I don't think I'd stop crying.