I havent getting much sleep here for a while. I don't know why….. Well I do… my mind will not shut down. I keep thinking about the future and about things that I shouldn't even be thinking about in the first place. I just get so stressed out because I'll be turning 18 sooner than I can even imagine and then I'm an adult and I'll have to adult type things. I need to get a job so that I can start saving up for college (which I have absolutely no money for) and for a car. I need to get a job so that I can move out of this god for saken place. I do have a place that I can go and be living with someone, so that it wont be that expensive but everything in America is expensive. Simply having someone with you to help is not going to be enough. Though if they can pay right now with just themselves… I don't know. I'm stressing out and I don't even need to be. I have some time.

I feel empty and numb as I go throughout the days and go throughout the weeks. That's another reason why I haven't been sleeping I suppose. I'm exhausted but I think it's more mentally. I'll pass out of about an hour per day and that's enough to keep my body going but that's not enough to keep me mental healthy… I just feel… numb. I haven't felt this way before. I may be stressing out over the future, but here… in the present… I feel numb. i just don't care. About anything. I thought maybe it was because I was on spring break and I wasn't socializing with people that I wanted to socialize with… but I went to my friends last weekend at the end of my break… and I felt the same. I had to work to interact and to seem normal, and it was more tasking then I thought it would be. I didn't even want to be there the majority of the time. I had to pretend I was having a good time even though I really wasn't. It's not that she was being a bad host or that it was boring or whatever. I'm sure if I was feeling normal I would have been feeling over the moon about it (we went to Hooters and a reptile show in one day!) It was just that I had no feeling to give about anything that I just didn't enjoy myself. I just… I don't care. About anything. I have no feeling at all… and it scares me. I have never felt this way before. I don't feel happy nor sad nor depressed nor upset. I literally feel nothing at all… I just…. It's numb and empty…. I don't know what to do or how to fix it but it needs to go away. Because this is not me. I may not be happy all the time but I know how I feel. I know what's wrong and I deal with it. I don't like feeling numb and not knowing why. I don't like feeling empty inside and not knowing how to fix it…

It has crossed my mind that maybe I don't know why I'm empty simply because there is too much for me to feel empty about. I may seem over dramitic but without my (ex) boyfriend here… I just… it's not the same…. It's different having him not be one street away from me. Different that I don't have him to fall back on or to go to when I need him, or even when I don't… I've had periods where I haven't seen him for a while but this… this is different… I won't be seeing him till at least I'm 18… I know everybody thought he was bad for me and that I could do better…. But he made me happy and kept me together. He knows everything about me and knows when I'm not okay, none of my friends can do that. He knows even when sometimes I don't even know… Maybe I'll move on one day and find someone new. Maybe we will break up completely and never speak to each other again. maybe it will happen. But that day is not today and that does not discredit the feelings I cam having now. I hurt and I feel empty and I just want to be next to him right now. It may not fix the main problem. It may not fix anything. But I know I will feel 100 times better next to him then i do right now. And in the end, that's what matters right? That I'm happy and such…?

I've also been wanting a new pet here recently. Something that can go in my room and that I can call my own. I have my dog Sophie… but she's the FAMILY dog ya know? Like I want something that I can call my own and that I can hold and take care of and take with me when I move out here soon. I need something.It sounds selfish I suppose… but I just feel….. well I don't know…. I just feel that might help… And I need to try something. Anything

So I'm going to go now. I'm tired… then agian I always am… I need to go get some sleeping pills to help me sleep because this is ridiculious… I hope everyone has a better time then me and sleeps well. Someone needs to. Sorry for complaining and thanks for reading I suppose.