There is no montage.
There is no motivational music, no speeding through time, and there are no shortcuts.
Time goes even slower, actually. When I’m trying to ignore the desire to have a cigarette (day 2 1/2 now), I swear that time takes even longer to pass. The rationalizing is in full swing…. “you can have just one” is a common thought. “She doesn’t even care- she won’t care, and it won’t work anyway” is another that particularly stings.
But I press on. One step at a time.
I’ve started yelling…. screaming. In the car, into my arm, and wherever. I’ve continued to run (2.5 miles last night, all in wind-sprints until I want to puke, and then walk until I start to cry, and then sprint until I’m too exhausted to cry).
I’ve lost five pounds in the past five days.
I’ve eaten one meal in the past three days.
I’ve sent her 32 text messages in the past 48 hours. (oof, that’s embarrassing).
I’ve been asked to stop, because I’m smothering her and making her feel uncomfortable.
…..And I have to agree. And I’ll press on, minus the smothering.
There is no shortcut. There is no montage to get me through. There is self-improvement, and there is discipline. And there is also restraint – yet another thing I have to learn.
I have to learn how to walk again, on that narrow path. My steps thus far have been shaky at best (and crawling most of the time) – but eventually I’ll find the footing and walk confidently. And then as I walk, I will look to the side…. and she might not be there with me. And that thought destroys me.
But I have to walk. I have to press on.
Step by step. One foot in front of the other. Learning to walk again.
…and it hurts. It hurts so much.
I think we’ve all been there, in that moment of suspension in which the world is frozen and it seems as if the only thing we are waiting for is the other shoe to drop. I existed there for pretty much all of last year, but it begins to feel as if I am starting to live again. It comes and goes, but I am at least happy that at this time, and in this moment that I am writing to you, and identifying myself in your story, I feel alright. For the first time in a long time, it feels like I am holding my own universe up as opposed to holding onto the thought that my happiness is contingent on the thoughts, feelings, and actions of someone else. I know how scary it is to feel like you may possibly lose out on the person you love the most, the one who was the glue that has held you together in some of your most fragile moments, especially as a result of something you did. As hard as it is, you can’t hold onto that regret nor should you have to. To live with regret and to expect ourselves to be perfect, and not make mistakes, negates one of the most beautiful aspects of what it means to be human. The person you speak about didn’t love you because you were perfect, they loved you because you were you. A part of being you entailed every quirk and personal misstep. Just because we quote on quote make a mistake, doesn’t mean we are worthless or inherently bad. How many people in our lives have made mistakes and we continue to love them? Forgive them? That comes from the understanding that life is constantly about messing up, growing up, and becoming the best version of yourself. Life is messy and complicated and none of us have any idea what we are doing. We aim to figure it out one day at a time. In the eye of the storm, our vision is often cloudy but identify this for what it is–a season. When I was going through some of my darkest times I hated when people would tell me to hold on. It was like I was waiting for the impossible, an ocean to form in what felt like an eternal desert of despair. I cried a ton, cursed a ton, and there were moments when it truly felt as though I couldn’t hang on. Now I don’t say all of this to be grim, but to show the promise that comes with every tomorrow. No matter how this chapter, NOT STORY, ends for you (I am wishing you the absolute best now and always!) you will get through this and you will be okay. Not because there is no other choice but because it is in your DNA. I don’t have to know you or every detail of your story to know that you deserve to forgive yourself and let the guilt go. This is coming from someone who has messed up more times than I can count, we all do. As important as it is to foster your relationship and begin the steps of repair, it is also vital to take care of yourself. We cannot begin to be there for anyone else if we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to be the best version of ourselves through some soul searching. Best of luck to you!