The guy I\'ve been seeing turns out to be not the stable person who could hold me up, but a guy weaker than I am and in need of more help than I can offer…. everyone wants me to dump him but I still love him (though I couldn\'t use that word yet in talking with him). I\'m fighting a war between what I need, what I want and what everyone else thinks I want and need… Even the guy is telling me I can do better than him without taking into account that I don\'t want to do better than him right now… I want him. My best friend is telling me to dump him too…. I can\'t stand it!

Karma refuses to take its toll on my former office manager. She was reported to corporate for her racist comments and for creating a hostile environment and was given no reprimand… I would have thought by now Karma would have kicked her ass, instead, she\'s getting a free pass to make things worse for the one black employee (who happens to be a dear friend of mine) because of this. We are in the year 2010, racism should be a fireable offense by now, or at least worth a demotion and some discipline! 

My faith in this world is crumbling and the shattered pieces just won\'t fit back together. This is not a just world. Goodness doesn\'t reign. It\'s disgusting…. almost bad enough that I feel the urge to go back to cutting myself again… since I can\'t take the anger out on the people who deserve it, I can take it out on myself…. I guess that\'s what it\'s always been for me, a way to release my anger at the world….

Someone help restore my faith….

I\'ve tried thinking about the good things: I have a beautiful apartment, a great new job, friends and family I love….. but I\'ve had all of those things before and had them ruined by this world. Housing has fallen apart, jobs change with who\'s in charge, friends and family die or lose touch…. this world just sucks….

 

3 Comments
  1. catrek27 11 years ago

    thanks guys…. my heart definitely wants to stay with him and help him where I can. My best friend is afraid I can\'t handle it but how can I know that yet, and Raven, you made a great point about how I\'d never want a guy to dump me just because I have issues. I will monitor myself though and I may need to seek counseling (I don\'t think I can convince him to do counseling) in order to get through this ok. But he\'s worth it.

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  2. Justin14 11 years ago

    yea i agree with Raven. for one, maybe he doesn\'t want your help, maybe he just wants YOU. and what does your best friend or anyonelse for that matter have to do with your relationship? if your listening to your freinds or depending on others to help make your decisions then maybe you should leave him b/c clearly you are not being upfront with him(atleast i assume b/c you are blogging about it on here…sorry if i\'m wrong), but have you told him your feelings? do you tell him how you feel? would you want him talking about your relationship with other people? i mean its things like that you have to think about. if you really love him you will be honest and upfront with him about everything. is he honest with you? don\'t let anything let you go back to cutting. if anything, be honest with your bf(i\'m not saying you arent, but you didnt say), and i mean be honest about how you feel deep inside. and yea, follow your heart:) do what you think is right for you and him.
    and please tell me that he doesn\'t have access to this site and see this blog.
    and sorry if i come off as rude, but if he dosent know how you feel, how can you expect him to change or try to go to counseling. or maybe he is more perceptive than you think and knows something is up. just be careful with this and do what your heart tells you.
    Good Luck:)
    Justin

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  3. catrek27 11 years ago

    He does want my help and I think he also wants me. as far as my best friend, I\'ve ignored his advice before and ended up in some bad situations. My best friend is also my roommate and I\'ve known him for 10 years, the relationship has only been 2 months, of which I\'ve only seen the guy once or twice and the rest is us talking on the phone because our schedules never seem to have the same days off. I rely on advice from others because I\'m new to dating, I stayed away from guys for a long time thanks to shit I\'ve been through, now that I\'m in the dating world, I need to know what is just my anxiety talking, what is just my friends being over-protective and what I really need to get away from.
    I do love him, and I am as honest as I can be with him, just as he is only as honest as he can be with me. I know he holds back stuff, but I don\'t care because it means there\'s more to learn about him and we\'re still pretty early in the relationship. Plus, he\'s still not quite over his last girlfriend.
    He cannot see this blog or I would not have written it. Neither can any of my friends. Part of my anxiety is emotions/insecurities are easier shared as an anonymous person to strangers. I\'m holding back on telling him I love him because I\'m not sure he\'s ready for me to say it since I know he still loves his ex, and I don\'t want to scare him away. Obviously, I\'m deciding to stick it out.

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