I hate feeling unimportant… Like i am normally quiet when it comes to being around people, but im starting to realise that i secretly crave attention. After realising this i start wondering why. Could it be that my family does not pay enough attention to me? Maybe i just was born this way. I just dont know… The reason i truly feel that i am this way is cause i never was the centerr of attention with my family… ever. All i am is a dissapointment to them. Most of my family is super religious and the fact that all my life i have had it shoved down my throught i started to see it as a bad thing i guess… With my dad saying how bad i am to him that god should smite me, and "do you think god is as  bad to all of his sons and daughters like you are me? no." or even "God forgives people all the time why cant you" Then theres my uncle who lectured me till i walked out of the house in tears because im going to hell!!! whatever. if i do i do. Your not even my uncle in my opinion! you dont do crap for me! dont even talk to me! so what gives you the right? I havent told my grandma cause im scared she will disown me and same with my aunt…. The other half of why i feel like a disapointment is because basically none of my family talk to me. My step dads family has this way of ignoring me and i think its because were not truly related. We only are by marriage not blood. And my other cousins are all preppy sporty people who i guess cant see whats wrong in my life. I just never am good enough for my dad. One time my cousins were over and he got pissed. So while we were swimming at my house he stormed over and told me to tell my cousins how bad we are to him, and just how we are rotten people.

I just wish that for once i was good enough for someone…. =/