This is my first blog ever. I just want to say what is on my mind at this point and time. I feel like my life is in kaos. Not because anything bad is going on, but just simply because. I have no reason to be depressed. I have a wonderful husband, who believe me puts up with alot.
First off my mind races all day almost everyday. I feel anxiety and self worthlessness too. I try so hard not to sound so lik Eor, but I find I can't stop it. I try to change my thought proces and end up all over the board and by the end of it all I have found more things to increase anxiety and the way I feel.
I am 36 years old and have spent a good part of the past 10 years trying to find the right cocktail to help me. I take medication and then I stop, I know not a good thing, but I can't stand the way it makes me feel as for side effects. The main feeling that I have had with most meds is a chlorine head. I try to explain it by relating it to swiming. You know when water goes up your nose and you eyes and the inside of your head feels that burn, that is the way I feel. I want it to stop. I never really feel the medications are working. Never really a good diagnosis as well. Not sure if I am bipolar-adhd-manic-hormonal. I have a tyroid problem as well which doesn't help much either.
At the end of each day I try to find ways to put myself to sleep. I am up every morning around 7:00, if not earlier. I have a hard time getting to sleep and once I do fall asleep don't wake me because I will never fall back to sleep. I use to take AmbienCR to sleep, but have been off of it for about 6 months. I think it is time to get back on it.
I warn you I write in circles just like I talk. I hate to be in a conversation with someone, because I am so affraid of sounding stupid. When I tell stories all of my friends are like get to the point, because I feel I need to explain every little detail and then I get lost in my story and forget what I am even talking about. My memory sucks. Like I just said I can be in the middle of a conversation and just stop and not remember what the hell I speaking about to begin with.
I want to be somewhat normal. I want to be able to fall asleep wake up and then have a good day. I think I am driving my husband away. I have not always been this away. I think I have always had a pretty low self-esteem. I don't remember much of my childhood until about 7th grade. I know nothing happened to me, but still it would be nice if I could remember. My sisters can remember everything. I can't remember all the people I went to school with. I panic when I go to a local supermarket in fear of running into someone I know. I have no enimies. I am not the type of person that would stand out in a crowd.
My husband and I about 6 months ago moved to a small town close to my hometown. We were living in a large city before that. I am looking for a new pshyciatrist. I need one really bad, but can't get one until our health insurance kicks in July 1. I have been off my meds for a good 6 months now and I have had my share of episodes. I have fits of rage and fits. I call them temper tantrums. Once they start I can not stop them. My husband tries to deal with me, but he can't and shouldn't have to put up with that. I know that is not what he signed up for. So I am on a mission to find a happy medium for myself.