This is my first blog ever.  I just want to say what is on my mind at this point and time.  I feel like my life is in kaos.  Not because anything bad is going on, but just simply because.  I have no reason to be depressed.  I have a wonderful husband, who believe me puts up with alot. 

First off my mind races all day almost everyday.  I feel anxiety and self worthlessness too.  I try so hard not to sound so lik Eor, but I find I can't stop it.  I try to change my thought proces and end up all over the board and by the end of it all I have found more things to increase anxiety and the way I feel.

I am 36 years old and have spent a good part of the past 10 years trying to find the right cocktail to help me.  I take medication and then I stop, I know not a good thing, but I can't stand the way it makes me feel as for side effects.  The main feeling that I have had with most meds is a chlorine head.  I try to explain it by relating it to swiming.  You know when water goes up your nose and you eyes and the inside of your head feels that burn, that is the way I feel.  I want it to stop.  I never really feel the medications are working.  Never really a good diagnosis as well.  Not sure if I am bipolar-adhd-manic-hormonal.  I have a tyroid problem as well which doesn't help much either. 

At the end of each day I try to find ways to put myself to sleep.  I am up every morning around 7:00, if not earlier.  I have a hard time getting to sleep and once I do fall asleep don't wake me because I will never fall back to sleep.  I use to take AmbienCR to sleep, but have been off of it for about 6 months.  I think it is time to get back on it. 

I warn you I write in circles just like I talk.  I hate to be in a conversation with someone, because I am so affraid of sounding stupid.  When I tell stories all of my friends are like get to the point, because I feel I need to explain every little detail and then I get lost in my story and forget what I am even talking about.  My memory sucks.  Like I just said I can be in the middle of a conversation and just stop and not remember what the hell I speaking about to begin with. 

I want to be somewhat normal.  I want to be able to fall asleep wake up and then have a good day.  I think I am driving my husband away.  I have not always been this away.  I think I have always had a pretty low self-esteem.  I don't remember much of my childhood until about 7th grade.  I know nothing happened to me, but still it would be nice if I could remember.  My sisters can remember everything.  I can't remember all the people I went to school with.  I panic when I go to a local supermarket in fear of running into someone I know.  I have no enimies.  I am not the type of person that would stand out in a crowd.  

My husband and I about 6 months ago moved to a small town close to my hometown.  We were living in a large city before that.  I am looking for a new pshyciatrist.  I need one really bad, but can't get one until our health insurance kicks in July 1.  I have been off my meds for a good 6 months now and I have had my share of episodes.  I have fits of rage and fits.  I call them temper tantrums.  Once they start I can not stop them.  My husband tries to deal with me, but he can't and shouldn't have to put up with that.  I know that is not what he signed up for.  So I am on a mission to find a happy medium for myself. 

2 Comments
  1. fschubart 11 years ago

     Well good for you, and welcome to the Tribe. I'm alot the same way. You hear so much about people that just dont give  a f*ck and think it's the end of the world. Life does go on. It sounds to me you deal with ADHD although I'm not a doctor, but I do the same things and they say that's why. I'm afraid to put things down because I won't remember where I put them unless it's routine. I'm also manic and have trouble sleeping and when I do, if I wake up, I'll never get back to sleep again. I'm always up early, when all I want to do is sleep and not face the day. I'm always on the run. I have to be doing something, good or not good. When I have my mixed or manic episodes, these things you call tantrums, there's hell to pay for everyone around me and I never mean to do it. I wasn't this way when I was taking my meds like I was supposed to. This past week they did a blood test and for the second time in a row, they found that I've been skipping them. I don't like the way they make me feel. They make me feel loopy and without any emotion and just like a shell walking through life. It's not fair. I'm a person and so are you and we can go to the moon or blow up the planet if we want, but they can't get my meds straight to where I can be just like everyone else. You gotta keep on the up and up because the only one that can do it is you. Don't give up. It seems like mental illness is a label, and that bothers me because we're all human and there's alot more to you than some stupid label. Don't ever give up because you are special, even if only to yourself. If you can't love yourself, then you really are in trouble, and it can be hard a times, but it really is where you need to start, and get back on the meds. I hate them, but I know what's good for me even if I don't always do it. Give me a ring anytime if you need to talk.

    Frank

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  2. mel_diane 11 years ago

    @Frank-Thank you so much for the words of encouragement.  I agree with you we are human and I have to love myself.  I am making an appointment to see a doctor at the beginning of July.  That is the soonest I can get it.  I think I am over the rough patch for now, but you never know.  Thank God for my husband's patients.   I know the are wearing thin, but he is there.  Thank you for the ADHD diagnosis, even if you are not a Doctor.  I did take a test one time for that and I did test positive, but I feel the Doctors take way too long to act on a diagnosis.  I understand patients and research, but I am 36 and feel I know my body and have been on and off meds for a good 10 years and still feel I have not been given a straight diagnosis.  I have doctors that do not want to lable and that is great, because I know how some people see people with a mental illness. 

    All I ever want is to be fixed.  I feel like everything at times comes crashing down and really it is not.  I feel like I speant my weekend with that feeling.  I just want it to all stop.  Not to the point of ending my life, I just want the feeling in my stomach and my body to go away.  When I speak to Doctors about what is going on I think they think I want pill, which is the farthest from the point.  I hate taking the meds.  I do wish I could get back on my AmbienCr.  That is the only medication that works on putting me to sleep.  I have tried all kinds of sleeping pills over the counter and prescription.  I work a lot so I don't have time for a medicine head the next morning. 

    I hope I have stayed somewhat focused in this comment and if I haven't I apologize.  Have a great day!  Melanie

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