Glad to find a blog for depression. Read many comments I had most all in common. First suicide attememt at 15yrs old. Childhood abuse, etc. Had my Son at 21yrs, became my identity my reason to live. Always lived in survial mode. Was born in one state where my friends there became my family but had son in another where my my mother was from and moved us to. Moved back and fourth. Son was attached to to them. Came back here 7yrs ago. Tried to make a life. Nothing ever worked, jobs or friends. Son spent more time with them. I wanted him to have grandpa to replace absent dad. Only I suffered. Figured out in o7 I had not ever dealt with trauma. Disassosiated, and didnt know how to feeel emotions. Had break down. Relationship with Mom and step Dad not good. Mom does not have it in her to nurture. I over compersated that on my Son. Didnt know balance so did not spank and he learned from them not to respect me. Depression turned to major. Always had ptsd and anxiety. Finally went to therapy in 08 another attempt. Son was discusted with me. Swore I would never go there again. Would fight do everything I could . Could not get a job after another yr, feeling like more of a failure, lonely and lost. In 09 went to motel with bottle of vodka at least 200 presciption drugs and tried again. Was out for 15yrs before found. DID NOT DIE! Was on life support and other complications. I tried so hard and having to face my son was a nightmare. Once out, Mom left town I was alone again in my room like nothing happened. My Son had gotten in trouble at 15yrs did something I could never imagine. I blamed myself. I still do therapy, still isolate but seems like Nothing is ever going to fill this huge emply hole in my soul. I just checked out of life and broke. Co-do on son will be 18 soon. Does his own thing. I hate where we live he refues to move else where with me. I cant imagine leaving cant imagine leaving. Just frozen. Parents losing house soon, have to make choices. Aunt in another state willing to take me in help me. Feel like bad mom to leave Son. Dont know if can start over elsewhere. When I still have suicide thoughts at times. LOST.


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