There is no mood in that mood box that can describe the way I feel right now…defeated, broken, hopeless, dead inside, sometimes wanting to be dead altogether. As I have already mentioned in a few of my blogs, my family is ripped apart after my mother went through her EXTREME menopausal, mid-life-crisis, psycosis of God knows what type where she ended up reverting to 18 years old, and met some piece of SHIT who she moved in with a few weeks ago.

My world, my brothers, and my father's world was turned inside out and shat on and we have been struggling through the holidays to TRY to make things not so udderly depressing and horrid. I had DISOWNED my mother during those 2 months that she had been at her worst and up until YESTERDAY, I had not said 2 WORDS to her whatsoever. I thought that I could live that way…"Just pretend that she's DEAD!" my boyfriend Eric would tell me whenever I would begin to miss her and HATE her and cry…"She's DEAD she's someone else now and you just need to realize that she's DEAD and you will NEVER TALK TO HER AGAIN. If only my boyfriend didn't actually BELIEVE that things were that SIMPLE, or CONVENINET. How can he ACTUALLY THINK that anyone, ME can go on with their lives like that,…"pretending that their mother is dead WHEN SHE'S NOT and simply accept it, move on, never mentioning her again??! Does he REALIZE THAT I'M A HUMAN!? The last time that we had that conversationwas on New Years Eve, when I broke down and cried becuase I just missed my mother so MUCH. He, again told me to continue the whole "She's dead," appraoch, but I told him that it wouldn't work…I told him "Eric…there's going to be a day when I WILL talk to my mother again. I can't just not talk to her forever, she's MY MOTHER AND I'LL ALWAYS LOVE HER NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES. He told me to do what feels right and that I don't have to listen to him…but then he followed that up with "But I DO NOT like her, I'm done with her." I told him that I didn't expect him to ever LOVE her or anything and that it was ok, but actually, no thats not ok……My mother came to my house yesterday and instead of LEAVING so I didn't have to see her, I stayed….My mother saw me and she BROKE OUT IN TEARS and HUGGED ME so tightly and said continuosly, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry for everything, I missed you SO MUCH." Do you have any idea how much of a gift that felt like?? To suddenly have your mother back? To have your mother in the state that you knew her in, instead of the psychotic person who had taken over her body for the past year? That was my mother hugging me and crying to me, and what I felt when that happened was enough to send me into a state of shock. Everything felt surreal. I was SO HAPPY that my mother was BACK and that she was at HOME where she BELONGED. Seeing her in the kitchen, helping out my brothers with things brought back memories of when things were the way they has ALWAYS BEEN…when I was BLESSED WITH A WONDERFUL LOVING FAMILY, with TWO PARENTS who were always there with their children…..My father wasn't home at that time, he was working…but for once in MONTHS….my house felt like HOME again….I don't care what anybody says….no matter HOW HARD I TRY, no matter how hard my two younger brothers and my father tried, this house DID NOT feel like home, it felt empty and lonley, and like an entire roof of the house was missing-it just never feels right with her nnot here anymore. Yet for those 2 hours that she was at my house visiting, home felt like HOME again…I fely WHOLE again, for the first time in A LONG TIME….she's my mother and I'm not me when she's not here. I'm not happy, I'm not here, I'm not alive and don't want to be alive when I don't have my mom….then she had to leave, and my heart went with her out that door. I LOVE AND FORGIVE MY MOM….but my DAD DOESN'T…my BOYFRIEND DOESN'T ….and now I feel like by LOVING HER and wanting her back home again, I'm dishonoring my father and my boyfriend who both DON'T FORGIVE HER….especially not my boyfriend. I told him that I did see her yesterday, and I could tell HE WASN'T HAPPY ABOUT IT….he always seems pissed off latley, irratible, and when I asked him last night why he was acting that way, he just gave me his usualy answer…"I'm overtired." OVERTIRED WITH WHAT!? WTF DOES THAT MEAN!? He told me that he just wanted to relax that night and that he didn't want to talk about my mom anymore for that night…he's been saying that a lot latley and its really CONTRIBUTING to my thoughts OF HIM WANTING TO LEAVE…..I feel TORN BETWEEN MY MOTHER AND MY BOYFRIEND. If I talk to my mother, I'm happy to have the most important person in my life…but then I feel like I'm pushing away the OTHER MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE…..I was on the phone with her today and Eric called me and I didnt pick up….When I called him back I told him that I was talking to one of my friends…..I'M AFRAID TO LET HIM KNOW IF I EVER TALK TO HER…its wierd its almost like I'm cheating on him…thats how awful I feel now every time that I talk to MY MOTHER…because I KNOW that he HATES HER and wants ME TO just hate her the way that HE DOES and never talk to her AGAIN….but I can't do that! WHO THE HELL CAN DO THAT!? he doesn't seem to understand and now my OCD is BAD and I can't stop thinking…" He REALLY is going to want OUT of this relationship SOON, he doesn't want to be with someone who has a mother like MINE, he HATES her and always WILL and I'll have to pretend to NOT talk to her forever if I want to keep him in my life, he RESENTS ME for taking her back into my life…" IT JUST GOES ON…and I CAN'T F***ING WIN! NO MATTER WHAT I DO!….I'm SO lost,…and I feel completley DEFEATED…damned if I do, damned if I don't