I really appreciate all the feedback and support I got on my last blogs about my father. I just wanted to add a little info, just so ya'll know why I'm going to see him.
1. I didn't talk to him for three years after I turned 18.
2. I got married, which changed my last name to one he didn't know, and moved very far away. That marriage was a disaster in which I was repeatedly abused, and I eventually left.
3. It took three years, but he still managed to find me.
4. I was stupid and thought maybe he'd changed, so I took him up on his offer to support me through college.
5. He hasn't changed, and in the last three years or so, things have slowly been getting worse. He's no longer afraid of losing me again, so he keeps getting worse and worse.
6. Last time I saw him I used the excuse of needing a walk for exercise and spent more than an hour wandering around in the rain and dark and almost got ran over because I was so disoriented.
7. The next night on that same trip I spent the whole night shaking and crying.
8. He's been pushing me to drink with him sine I was 12.
9. I can't remember how early he began abusing me, but I have vague memories of making the huge mistake of reaching out to him around age 2. This was because my mother ignored me for my brother. My first memory of sexual abuse, so far, would be around age 4 or 5. He hit and yelled constantly.
10. He really feels I owe him now.
11. He likes to drink and play with guns. With me in the room. With me in his bed. Yeah, super creepy.
12. He owns many guns including a machine gun.
13. He likes to take me to Mexico and tell me how I'm the only one he can really talk to.
14. If I rebel he will come looking for me. I visited my old coworkers after I moved to Florida, and they told me he was asking for me. This wouldn't be so weird, but he was in Texas and before I moved to Florida I was in Pennsylvania. So he went all the way to Pennsylvania to wander around asking people for me.
15. If I can just make it a little longer I'll be okay. I'm hoping to work through these anxiety problems and maybe even get back to work by end of summer. If I can put myself through school he won't be able to demand so much.
16. After I get a degree I will move to another country and change my name and social security number.
17. The law is not on my side. I can't press charges over memories. I can only protect myself and this is the only way I know. Which means playing nice, slowly distancing myself, and then disappearing.
18. While I'm in this situation, I might as well get as much money as I can while I can. It'll never make up for my lack of a childhood, but I guess it's something.
Makes me a whore, huh? That's okay, I have nothing but respect for whores.
EDIT: I suppose I should try to mention the positive stuff, huh?
How many girls are good with both a revolver and pistol? My accuracy ain't bad, and I can repeatedly fire a glock pretty damn fast. Thanks, Dad.
I can drink any liquor straight. How many girls my age appreciate a good scotch? Thanks, Dad.
I've been told I'm sexy or hot or whatever since about age 5. Umm . . . . no thanks, Dad.
I got over any fear of death by age 7 or 8. Thanks, Dad.
I'm really good at letting my mind take off. I can talk and act and not actually be present or remember any of it later. This means I was abused for a couple years during my marriage and barely remembered any of it. THANKS, DAD!!
Haha I'm going to stop now. I'm running super late for my volunteer work.