I learned that the brain changes after abuse! It can falsely rewire to tell you the your abuser equals happiness verses the reality. It is comparable to also to a addiction because the highs and lows / unexpected twists and turns keep things addictive verses a healthy relationship that is sane and comfortable.
I have listened to two sleep hypnosis videos on forgetting your ex. Last nights, was one for anxiety.
The two lies that keep popping into my brain when I feel tired and vulnerable are:
- I could of made him not abusive and “fixed him. What if I walked way and another woman was able to fix him? (I know not realistic. I wasn’t the first that he abused and sadly wasn’t the last either.)
2. Was it really “that” bad? (Yes, gas lighting myself. It was worse than I remember because my brain has blocked a lot of it out.)
3. He offered marriage and starting a family to fix everything. I find this very upsetting even currently! If only this was true! I do and did love him. However, it isn’t a solution. I just would of been more under his control and manipulation! Plus, a innocent child / children would have to suffer and be exposed to a unhealthy relationship example!
4. What if he changed for someone else to be the nice man he was at first for me? (It is very unlikely that he could change even if he really wanted to do so. He possibly wasn’t validated as a child and the only way he knows to regulate his emotions of low self esteem, shame and fear of abandonment is a through abusing their partner.
5. Why does he he reach out to me from time to time being “so nice.” He is manipulating me and getting a “high” from me taking his call. He needs to be in control and it makes him feel validated.
I could go on YouTube and watch one of his work videos just to hear his voice and see him but it isn’t wise.
I accept that I am addicted to the highs and lows of the former relationship and I will always love him. However, I am responsible for me and I have to protect myself!
Thanks for reading! Pictured above is a frog 🐸 I saw outside today!