So taking some steps to get the help I need which is just about pushing me over the edge! Mostly since my parents feel the need to try & discourage or stop me at every single turn. I am applying for medical assistance but they say it won't work,they don't want me going to free therapy groups, or pretty much anything else I suggest!!! Working with my counselor to hopefully get into a DBT group soon I feel it would be the best place for me & it will most likely be covered cpmpletely which is always a good thing. I also took the 1st very big & scary step of calling a center for abuse today the lady was nice as could be which helped somewhat but the way things have been going lately I pretty much expect everyone to let me down or stab me in the back . She was the 1st step she will now with my permission call the center she is just a volunteer to talk to 1st… I guess so you can talk to someone immediately & not wait! So in a few days I should hear back from a counselor at the center who will then set me up with an appointment to come in and talk some more & figure out what comes next in the processs & to help me not feel all alone!!! This is the 1 I am most worried about right now especially if my parents begin asking questions about it since they can't EVER know about it!!!! I will continue to see my regular counselor for other things & maybe even this as well…not sure if I will feel comfortable at the center or not or have time with counseling & a DBT program all at once. But the DBT should be covered by the medical assistance or the county & the center is completely free so money isn't an issue for once thank goodness. I definitely want to see my regular counselor & look into the program she is suggesting since I trust her & she knows what would be good for me. Time will tell how many things I can handle at once. But now I am freaking out & beating myself up & saying what the heck did u just do to yourself u idiot . Plus every time the phone rings I jump afraid it is someone my parents can't hear me talking to on my cell phone…eventually they are gonna wonder I am sure so might have to do all my calls during the day when they are NOT here!!!!! Which just adds more stress & pressure because I don't like lying to them but at the same time I can't tell them what I am doing & not be afraid of the consequences! I am just Not a good liar I guess!!! I Hate having secrets from people & lately that is ALL my life is becoming about secrets & lies! I can't say who I have talked to,what we have discussed,why I need more therapy,why I am not sleeping,why I am having severe panic attacks or pretty much anything else unless it is what I ate that is the truth. It is like having to be constantly on guard & remember who u are with & what they do & don't know…I am so fearful of slipping up & letting something out that I shouldn't!!!!!!! My phone has numbers in it that are labeling wrong on purpose so they don't know who it really is & I instantly delete those phone calls anyway as well as keep my phone on me at all times even in the shower!!!!!!!! This kind of pressure is gonna make me explode…it feels like I am doing something wrong!!!!!!!!!

2 Comments
  1. Mo 9 years ago

    Good for you \”taking the bull by the horns\”. I know you are in a VERY difficult situation. Just my opinion; you are doing all the right things to get help for yourself. I beat myself up too at times when I make decisions and I dont know the outcomes. Try to cut yourself some slack there. In time, you will meet with your councelors and things wil get sorted out. Just Hang on- it will get better because you are doing all the right things.
    It sounds like you have every reason to be paranoid about your parents. Keep doing whatever makes you feel better about that.

    My best to you.

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  2. coolbeans 9 years ago

    I am so sorry you have to go through this, it sounds horrible and anxiety provoking. But I agree with Red and Mo that getting help is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. You need to focus on yourself and what you can do to get better. Hang in there and know that we are all here for you if you need to vent. Take care of yourself.

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