11:01 am 9/22/09 Tuesday
Feeling resentful of demands and fearful of being overburdened and exhausted from too many demands (most of which come from myself). I set up unrealistic expectations for myself of what I can accomplish.
feel so distracted and find it hard to stay focused. feel angry at all the pressure. Feel discouraged that I can never live up to my standards and want to throw in the towel and just do addictive distractions like mindless web surfing as a way of numbing the emotional pain of feeling like I can never succeed. Asking God to help me , lift me up. Grant me courage and hope. Help me to be less black and white and be less paralyzed by perfectionistic despair.God, God,
feeling this sense of horrible emptiness , loneliness, want to run away from the pain of the emptiness and loneliness, want to numb the pain by distraction. The pain hurts like the devil. I want to run away, bury myself in bed, but can't. Family needs me to work. a lot of the pain comes from perfectionism and despair which is very hard for me to turn off. Part of pain is guilt that I don't deserve happiness. The pain of the guilt (which is undeserved) is crushing. I think the guilt comes from childhood when I grew up scared and anxious and my mom was very scared and anxious. I grew up believing that this is all I deserve and that this is my lot in life. I believe in my head that God wants more for me than this misery. Hard to tap into faith but I keep trying. God help me. I am like David crying out to God in my despair.
Still angry and resentful. still asking God to help me let go of my anger and guilt. Feeling afraid of screwing up, afraid of diving off the board into the water.
Help me to get unstuck, to be willing to take chances.
feeling so antsy, so uptight, like i can't relax and think, like i'm so fidgety, and restless, my mind is restless,