Along with my many other mental issues… I am scared to death of the dentist. Bad experience with one before the kids. Novicaine did NOT work during what I later learned was a fucked up root canal. Nice. So years of pain and suffering finally led to absessed wisdom tooth and all the wisdom teeth had grown in killing the molars next to them. No room in my jacked up mouth for them. Ended up with FIL taking out a 25k medical loan to go to a dentist in San Francisco who knocks ya out and does it all at one time. Let’s not mention he did an extra 5k of work while I was under… unpaid as of yet… will bite me in the ass later.

So, we  have an additional $600 a month expense, the medical loan, in FIL’s name that is past due… do to me not getting and keeping a job as I had planned to do to pay it off. Well, ogre is now blaming ALL of our financial woes on that damn dental visit. Going as far as to say that the trip to SF was what put us overboard. Ugh. And that my psych unpaid bills are my problem. As ogre saw no improvement, yeah he can see INSIDE my brain, while I was on medications… He sees no need to pay for the doc that prescribed ’em. I took myself off what I could, with much difficulty, and am now flying with only an occasional xanax to calm anxiety. Fun.

So, the fact that he racked up debt, put it into the house(twice!), and our house is worth half if not a quarter of what paid….  has nothing to do with our sinking. Ummm, hello!

Ugh. I know there are so many without a home, no meds, bad marriages etc. Just trying to make it through our mess. American dream, huh.

And I was stupid at 20. I got dropped from foster care at 18, after having been in it for 11 years, and was too uninformed to take advantage of what college or help there might have been. My OCD was focussing on a bad relationship, not always bad, just bad for me at the time. That was all I cared about. Almost killed myself when he cheated on me. Stupid reason, huh. Got pregnant during the on again off again wanting him back phase. Great, cheating on her with me. blah. Didn’t get married because of the child… didn’t actually marry for like 5 years. Did get back together, eventually, during pregnancy. Oooh funny story in the craziness…

He did NOT tell his family until the day my son was born! I had been banished from their house since 18 or so, for ruining their poor baby. Blech. Never made him do anything he didn’t want to, hell, was a virgin till after 18. Wasn’t into drinking, smoking, drugs. All I  did was work to try to pay my bills. Screwed up credit… Do NOT use credit cards to buy groceries… but hey you do what you have to sometimes. Credit is finally clear after all these years… and then I notice the medical bills he hasn’t paid. Great. Just waited out my mistakes, had clean, like new, credit… and poof 4k in unpaid hospital bills. Didn’t pay for 2nd son. yay.

I know my thoughts don’t stay on a single trail… I’m sure most can relate. So many things buzzing around in the head at one time.

The funny story part was not so much him not having the balls to tell his psycho-xian family about the baby… and I guess at the time none of it was funny… But MIL asked if he was sure the baby was his (!), was probably on the verge of disowning him, changed her mind and decided that the family would acknowledge Joshua but not see me. Yeah, I did not think so. My hopsital stay was interesting to say the least. MIL and SIL tried to barge into in the NICU to see joshua… nurses sent them away with the mother says hell no. I think she is still pissed after all these years, maybe they both are. I try not to think about it and try to figure out why I decided to bury the hatchet or however you say that, not bury it into them hehe. Before going home we did stop at his parent’s house. My concession to my son and it not being his fault his grandmother and aunt are bitches to the core. They love my kids, hate me. Go figure.

FIL did stop by the hospital before we came over. To ask how I and the baby were doing. He is crazy in his own way (once called LAX with a bomb threat while drunk!) but a family man at heart. According to MIL he can’t stand me either, but at least he hides it well. He is actually welcome at my house. He sleeps on the back porch, by choice, lmao. In Arizona, scorpians or giant spiders anyone? Eek.

Babbling away, will quit while I am behind. I am always behind.

Later,

-fina

^.,.^@~